very bad horrible day

I took my Dexter to the vet like I had planned but things didn't go like I expected. Yeah we knew he had lost a lot of weight but I thought we would get a diagnosis of diabetes or something, give him a pill or a shot and move on.  I knew things weren't going to go well when we weighed him.  He was 39 pounds.  7 weeks ago he was 51.  The vet saw him and was just kind of taken aback.  They did the blood work and the doctor said that Dex was anemic for sure because he was pale and his gums were bluish.  Sure enough his counts were very low.  Based on that and some of the red/white blood cells she said that she was pretty sure it was cancer, more specifically leukemia.   I heard her but it didn't really hit me that she was telling me my dog has cancer.  When it did hit me I had just a little bit of a meltdown.  I called Dennis and he headed straight to the vet from work.

Our options were to take Dexter to OSU vet college for diagnostic testing.  The best we could expect would be to walk out with a $2500 diagnosis and no guaranteed treatment plan.  The other option was to take him immediately for a blood transfusion; which is like putting a bandaid on a gun shot wound.  Chemo would probably be the preferred method of treatment but Dexter is on two different anxiety medication to get through a regular day.  Chemo is not a good option for him, he would be so miserable.  They could only say that it might add weeks maybe months to his life.

So we loaded him up and took him home to let him live out his remaining days.  The vet said maybe 2 weeks.

I have cried pretty much non-stop since the c-word was mentioned.  Just when I think I am all cried out a new wave of tears come.  The next few weeks are gong to be so very hard. Everyone keeps telling me that I should feel good for rescuing him and giving him a great life and about how happy he is but that doesn't break my heart any less. 

For now we are feeding him like crazy....he lost 12 pounds in 7 weeks, to see if we can at least keep his weight up.  The vet gave us signs to look for to tell us when it is time for him to go.  This is all just too much for me.  I love this little guy like he was my special needs son and it is tearing me apart that I can't help him.

Please pray that he lives out the rest of his days happy and that I am able to push away the tears and enjoy him in the days that he has left.