Yeah I had a little disappearing act. Things were not great for me mentally and emotionally and I really couldn't process it. I have been going to therapy weekly and have had my meds increased and I feel like I am out of my serious spiral but still not feeling like a normal person.
The holidays were fine. I lost a close friend right before Thanksgiving. He was one of the gate attendants that adopted me when I was a baby ranger and I stayed close to him and his family. When I was sent to south Texas for the border fence they were doing the winter Texan thing and I spent a lot of time at their house. His daughter brought him and her mom to my dad's funeral. Henry and Pat are very special to me. He was 93 and had started to show signs of dementia. I visited him for a long time last year after he broke his back and was in a rehab hospital and he kept telling me the same story. Pat had had a stroke and had slowed down a lot. He was a character and there was a big turn out. Luckily Dennis went with me to the service.
That kind of set the tone for the holiday. With both my dad and FIL passing away it is a hard time of the year at the best of situations. The family drama is ongoing and draining.
Both Dennis and I took off the two weeks of Christmas/New Year. We didn't do too much but it was really nice to have a break from the office, which has been the major factor in my ongoing breakdown. We did a few things but mostly just a lot of nothing and it was amazing. It really put into perspective how much the bullshit going on and the treatment we have been getting as fed empolyees has almost become degenerative level that has made it difficult for me to even want to do my job.
When I went to my Mom's for Christmas, there was something seriously wrong with my dad's dog. Her stomach was so distended that it couldn't have been comfortable for her. She was having a hard time getting around. KC hated being in the car and we were afraid she would have a heart attack if we tried to get her to the vet so I reached out to Dr. Susanne to get the name of a mobile vet that she trusted. They were able to schedule her pretty quickly.
In the midst of all of that I got a call that Pat, the other half of the couple from above died. It didn't realy surprise me, I couldn't imagine either one of them without the other. The day of her funeral was the day the vet was coming to see KC, the appointment time was at the same time the services started. I would have liked to have been there but I needed to be at the service. When I got back to the car from the cemetary, I called mom and the vet said that KC was in end stage heart failure. Mom said that even her feet was swollen. They made the decision it was wime to let her go. The vet gave her the injection they give before the kill shot and she passed before she could give her the final drug. Mom was a mess. I ended up going to her house from the funeral and spent some time with her. I feel like this is one more piece of my dad that I have lost.
And because I feel like the angel of death I got a call the next day that my friend that does my nails had taken her dog to the vet and she was told that he had cancer that started in his liver and had spread so much that they couldn't treat it. Bear and I had a special bond and Eberle wanted me to come over and tell him bye. I made plans to go over Friday after work. I got a call from my mom that KC was ready to pick up from the crematorium. It was on my way home so I went to pick her up before I went to see Bear for the last time. I was in shock at how much he had declined in the short amount of time I had seem him last. He reminded me a lot of how Hunter looked when he got sick, the sunken look to his skull. You could tell he was in pain. I stopped and got him a double bacon cheeseburger and sat around and cried uncontrollably for not the first time that week.
It wasn't all terrible. I found a front row ticket to the Outsiders (yes I have seen it 7 times) in St Louis. I had planned on selling it for $$$ but with everything going on it never got listed. I did get insurance on it and I told my mom and Dennis that I was going to turn the ticket in and stay home because I wasn't sure about leaving in the middle of everything. Dennis talked me into just going. it was a single ticket and he said he tought the time alone 400 miles away might do me some good. I had lots of hotel and airline points so it was a pretty inexpensive trip. I had the smart idea of taking public transportation from the airport and was told several times that I had made a serious mistake. I did make friends with a homeless man named Bishop who offered to take me to my hotel to make sure I got there safetly. Luckily he did not. My flight was early so I dropped my backpack and went to a place called City Museum, which was a huge man made cave with slides and passages. I went down a 5 story slide. You can't cry while going down a giant slide.
My room got upgraded to a suite so I chilled in the room, took a shower and got ready. I went to dinner at the hotel bar/restaurant. I was sitting at the bar eatting my flatbread and drinking my blueberry lemondrop when 2 of the cast member from the show walked up to grab something from the bar. I told them I was looking forward to seeing them soon but left them to fuck alone to eat their dinner.
The show was the same as it always is, amazing. I ugly cried at parts. At the end of the show when Pony Boy gives out the book he gave it to me again. I was in shock. I know they see so many people that they can't remember who did what where but for some reason I didn't even think I would the book again. I thnk I will give it to my older sister as part of her Christmas. We are supposed to meet up before Hadestown Wednesday so I can give her the gifts I got her and I think she will be surprised.
I have to make it through this week. I have a dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon so I will take off early. I can stick it out and next Monday is a holiday, I think I will take Tuesday off too.
Sorry for the long rambling post. I have tried to write several posts and I end up just deleting them because I just feel so bad about trauma dumping. So here it is. I do feel like the medication is helping. I still feel like crying 75% of the time but it's better than 99%.
