Frustration

I really fell like I am getting no where with my weight loss.  The rational part of my brain tells me I have lost close to15 pounds in a two months.  Without the surgery I would have gained seeing as how I have spent a lot of the last month living out of hotel rooms and eating out.  But I WANT  MORE!!    

Am I working out like I should be?  No, working 12 hours a day 5 days this week and 6 hours Saturday and Sunday pretty much made it difficult to work it in.  Work, eat sleep that will be my life for the next week and a half

Am I making the best food choices?  No.  I am eating whatever I want, granted much smaller portions but again, I am eating out everyday. 

I could have hit the treadmill today but I talked myself out of it because one day isn't going to make a difference.

My second fill was scheduled for 31 August but because of this work thing I had to reschedule it for 7 September, one whole more week...gggggrrrrrr

My doctor wanted me down to 160 by my next fill, that probably isn't going to happen.  I brought my scales with me and it is staying fairly consistent.  I would be happy with just a small loss at this point.

Wow

I had my first PB today in a van full of people unable to escape.  It was rather humiliating.  Now I feel really bloated and my stomach is kind of sore, is this normal?

Away from home until1 September and will have very limited access to a computer. 

BTW, boss had very little to say about my funky hair.

It has been a long week.  I had nothing positive to say so I kept it to myself.  Lets just say the only exercise I got last week was a lot of self flagellation. 

I finally had my workout schedule set up for the next month and found out Thursday that I will be sent off to the middle of nowhere for 3 weeks for work.  Not sure what the fitness facility looks like there.  There will be several of us in a van together so it isn't like I can get a temporary pass to the gym and work out there without a group vote of some kind.  Talk about a pain in the a$$

Friday I had really low day, I took off work to take Libby to the specialist and to the dentist, the two nights before my little terrier Sidney kept us up all night coughing so the combination of guilt and exhaustion led to an emotional breakdown. 

I drove through McDonalds and got a happy meal for lunch, with a coke.  Thinking back on it I pretty much just wanted my physical state to match my emotional state.  I knew that the burger wouldn't be comfortable to get down and I purposefully ate it faster than normal.  I think I might have had two drinks of the soda because it literally hurts to drink anything carbonated now.  I was miserable for a good 30 minutes and took some time to reflect on why I was doing this to myself....as I was walking through Marshalls thinking about how gross it would be to puke in the public restroom.

So yesterday I had my hair did and we decided we just needed to do something completely different.  We had been looking at a platinum/lilac combination for awhile and we just went for it.

 


sorry it's sideways.

first slime

I remember reading on lap band talk and on blogs about how people can tell a difference in how they can eat based on stress levels.  I thought yeah right, it must be a mental thing....I was wrong.  I totally got stuck on a homemade chicken wrap at lunch today.  I have never had problems with tortillas before, as a matter of fact it has been my go to because bread isn't always easy to eat.  Of course I have eaten chicken before, and cheese, and salsa...not so much green peppers so that may have been part of the problem.  Who knows but it sure stuck right in the middle of my chest and was not moving.  I leaned over the kitchen sink just hoping it would either go up or down didn't care which path it chose.  It eventually went down and I SLOWLY ate a little more of the chicken.

So the stress thing.  It seems as if one of my dogs has blown out the cruciate ligament in her left knee.  Wouldn't have been such a big deal if it hadn't already been repaired once 6 months ago and it was the repair that she ripped.  I took her to my regular vet yesterday, which I like and all but she isn't a knee person.  The vet at her clinic that does knee surgery is the same vet that fixed it the first time.  For some reason my confidence in his surgical ability is a little low right now.  I got a referral to a vet in OKC, which is over an hour away.  Did I mention the surgery is over $3K? Everything I have read online about this surgery is bad.  UGH.

So today I took off work again and took her to another vet that I absolutely love that only does Eastern medicine.  I am a firm believer in acupuncture from personal experience and when another of my dogs, an 11 something year old lab mix had hip trouble I sought out a vet that would do acupuncture on dogs.  This lady is amazing, has helped me on issues with other dogs (yes I have 7 rescues) and if she doesn't "treat" them for anything she doesn't charge.  She is so not about money, she is about helping dogs so I trust her opinion over any other vet.  Unfortunately there isn't anything she can do to help Libby but she is working with a board certified veterinary surgeon locally; can you believe there are only 2 in Tulsa, to make sure Libby gets the right treatment and the best care.  Her clinic has hydrotherapy (underwater treadmill) so she said she would take her on as soon as we get her fixed up to help keep this from happening again.  Did I mention she is the best vet ever?  I would totally quit my job and work for her if I could financially afford it.

I know it will work out but holy moley I just spent $10,000 on my surgery.  But think of all the money I will save on food until we get this worked out!!

a little running history....ok an epic saga,

This is my tattoo

I

it reads Oklahoma City Memorial Marathon Finisher

I got this tattoo in 2009 after completing my first (and last) marathon.  I was actually thin for maybe a year during this time, it didn't last long and for some reason was the one and only time I was able to lose any significant amount of weight with diet and massive amounts of exercise.  

The top picture is of a training quarter marathon run November of 2008, the last is of me crossing the finish line after the OKC marathon.  That my friends is what pure exhaustion looks like.

Looking back at it I am not sure what the hell I was thinking.  I had been working out really hard 3-4 times a week with a trainer and hated to run, but I was sent out of town for work for 6 weeks and we decided that the best way to stay in the exercise groove was to do the C25K training program to keep up with my cardio.  I was so excited when I ran 20 minutes without stopping for the first time that I decided I could run forever.  I was loosing weight and in a really good place.  When I got back from my assignment my trainer was impressed.  I started running with a running group in conjunction with working out with the trainer.  Running was never easy, but it was a challenge that I had conquered.

The marathon itself was a blast for the first 13 miles despite the fact that I got horrible blisters on the bottoms of both feet that covered about 1/2 my feet I noticed these somewhere between miles 7 and 9.    I am not sure I have ever been in so much pain.  It wasn't fast and it wasn't pretty but I finished.  As a matter of fact they had ran out of medals by the time I had crossed the finish line (good thing I wasn't physically able to go bat sh!t crazy at that point).  

Here's the thing.  Running got harder for me instead of easier.  I don't know why but my times kept getting worse and worse; I was so discouraged.  I was also maintaining the same level of activity but gaining weight.  My doctor did every test known to mankind but found no reason for it.  I got very depressed and just dropped out of everything.  Of course that made the weight come on faster.  I eventually went back to the gym and running with my friends but the trend never reversed and I kept on gaining.  If I hadn't had lap band surgery I am sure I would be well over 200 pounds in a years time.

So, here I am.....Even though I never had been a runner I had told people for years that if I ever finished a marathon I would get the finishers medal tattooed on my foot so there you have it.  Now that I am "fat" I am kind of embarrassed by it.  People ask me about it and I tell them what it is and I feel like they look at me in disbelief (yeah right, fat girl ran a marathon).  Or worse their reaction is "oh, your a runner".  I am not much of a runner.  I can barely do 1:1 intervals for a mile without passing out.  It kind of makes me feel like a big fraud.  

I don't want to feel like that anymore.  I want to run the flying pig half marathon this spring and finish in under 3 hours like a real runner. 

I want to be proud of my accomplishment again.

First BYOC

mostly because I am freaked out at seeing my half naked picture every time I log in!!!

1.       I’m going to pick a person in your life – not knowing if you have a good or bad, existing or non-existent relationship with them – and your mission is to pick 5 words or traits or thoughts to describe them.
Your paternal grandmother.
abusive

      abrasive

      introverted

      self-centered

      dead
2. What’s your all time favorite color to paint your nails? And your toes?

Nails – Right now they are "caught with your khaki's down" and I am loving it!!
Toes – something funky, usually to match the tattoo on my foot

3. Do you get along with your parents well?
My dad is very quiet and kind of hard to get to know (no surprise after seeing what a lovely person his mother was) but we have gotten to know each other over the past few years by taking long walk - I have walked a couple of 5K's and half marathons with him.  It makes me feel really special to have that time with him away from my mom and sisters.

My mom is a hoot, typical guilt trip mother.  I am pretty sarcastic and abrupt so I usually turn it around on her, which gets me hung up on alot, lol.

We used to speak on the phone every day but since my dad retired they are connected at the hip so it is like trying to have a conversation with both of them at the same time.  I need to visit them more often. 
4. Speaking of rainbows – rank the rainbow colors in the order you prefer.
 

            Green
            Red
            Blue
            Violet
            Yellow
             Orange

 
5. Repeat question. How was your week in real life and in blog land this week?

            Thanks to Jessica I have a ton of new supporters, I am so excited to read up on their journeys and
            see how far they have come.  I appreciate all the comments.  I had my first fill this week but can't
            really tell any difference.  I lost 5 pounds since I saw the doctor last, since I am a lower BMI
            bandster he was very happy with that.  I hope I can beat that this month.  

progress one month

Not much progress so far. 

Jessica is awesome

I am so overwhelmed by the new supporters!!  It helps so much for us newbies to have some seasoned (and not so seasoned) bandsters to help us through our journey.  Thank you Jessica.

I am taking a mental health day from work.  I woke up this morning and just couldn't even fathom getting dressed up and going out in the heat again today....so I didn't.  I really should have thought it through since I took off early yesterday for my fill and I will have to take off at noon next friday to get my permanent crown.  Oh well, I need this day to sit around under the a/c and watch TLC, lol.

I haven't really been hungry since my fill.  I drank a glass of skim milk with my medication this morning but I haven't had anything more than that.  My doctor wants me on liquids for 2 day.  I think most people do 24 hours but since I am not really hungry anyway it isn't that big of a deal.  When it gets over 110 degrees outside nothing really sounds good anyway.

My tummy is a little sore today where the doctor dug out the stitch, the port site feels fine.  

first fill

It wasn't so bad.  I got to the surgeons office, reception called to let the nurse know I was there and Dr, Atkins answered.  So he came out and got me almost immediately.  I went to the room and laid down on the bed.  I asked Dr. A to check out the one incision that doesn't seem to be healing up as well as the others.  He said he would check that before I left.  But first I had to be weighed.  down 5 pounds from last month!!  It would have been more if it hadn't bee for that stupid trip to MS.  Nothing I can do about it now.

He grabbed a big needle and stuck it right in the middle of the port.  Him moving it around wasn't to comfortable but nothing horrible.  He stick wasn't bad either.  He ended up putting 2cc in my band.  He said I probably won't feel any restriction but he doesn't want to fill it up to much, would rather go the gradual route.  I will go back in a month and have another 2cc put in.  He suspects the "sweet spot" to be between 4 and 6 CC.  We will see.

After he loaded me up he looked at my incision and said there was a stitch that didn't dissolve so he would have to "work on it".  It hurt a lot more the fill.  But the stitch is gone and I can stop freaking out about how gross it looks when I take the scargaurd stuff off.  That hurt like hell.  But the entire experience too like 10 minutes.

I am cleared for all exercise.  I am going to pilates reformer class on Saturday and meeting a friend at the gym on Thursday.  It's on!!  I would be a lot more enthusiastic if it wasn't too damn hot to leave my house but I can't sit around anymore, it is time to get my ass moving.

T-minus 30 hours until my first fill. 

will it hurt?

will I feel restriction right away?

will it hurt?

will the weight start falling off at the same rate it came off after the surgery?

and of course the all important will it hurt?

I am really curious about how much he will put in.

I always get puffy for a few days after I fly and the extreme heat isn't helping that.   I am not sure if I should drink extra water to try and make the puff go down and make the port easier to find of keeping the water weight in the hopes that he will give me more of a fill. 

Today is my first day back after being in Jackson MS for work. You would think it would have been so freaking hot but it was actually cooler there then it was here. Even with the humidity I hardly broke a sweat when I walked outside. I gained 3 pounds, which considering that I went from being very careful with my diet to eating out 3 times a day and a glass of wine every night, I am not surprised. I need to be chugging some water but I am too lazy to get up and fill up my water jug. Kinda sad I know. There was a really nice shopping center about a half mile from the hotel and I spent way too much money. My co-worker told me I had to buy new shorts or she was going to take a picture when the shorts I was wearing fell off my butt. I bought two sizes smaller then what I had on. I also bought some very cute shirts on sale 40% off sale price at Banana Republic, one of those stores I thought I would never shop in because they are "skinny" clothes.  Some of them are still too small but they won't be for long.  Funny, even when I lost to goal a few years ago, before I gained most of it back I wouldn't have shopped there because I thought I was too big. The co-worker that I hung out with really helped to push me out of my comfort zone.

My first fill is scheduled for Wednesday.  I hope he fills that sucker up.  Right now I feel like I have never had the surgery.  We even went to Pei Wei last week and I ate brown rice with no trouble.  I did order a kids meal and I was full after where as before I think I would have eaten more.  Another problem I have ran into is the freaking snow cone shack outside my neighborhood.  I really need to stop eating those things!!  I have been meaning to google them and see how many calories they have but I know I don't really want to know. 

It seems so strange to me that I have had the band for almost 5 weeks.  The first few days I thought I had made a huge mistake, now I can't even tell I have a band.  Every now and again I will rub my port just to make sure it is still there.  Is that weird?

The next C25K running group starts next week with my running group. I am trying to decide if I want to sign up. It is just so hot. It is seriously supposed to get to 111 a couple of days this week. Once it cools off I will start training for the Flying Pig Half, but it is too hot to even run early in the morning. They are also doing a biggest loser contest. I want to sign up but I would feel really bad if I won any money knowing that I had an unfair advantage. I know some people go on diet pills for the contest but I don't think it would be very honest of me.

I will find out Wednesday if I am cleared to do weights again. I have been kind of slacking off on the exercise.  Not to beat a dead horse but it's freaking hot.  Once I get home I just want to sit under the A/C.  I know shut up the whining.  I am not like this in the winter, really I'm not.

OK, I have to sign off. My work BFF had a baby yesterday and we are going to sneak out of work since teh boss is gone and meet Ms. Olivia Kate! I am not a kid person but I have already spoiled this kid rotten. I just hope she doesn't try to make me hold her. So not comfortable with that