blogging break

I am going to take a break from blogging for awhile, not sure how long.  Right now all I can focus on is Dexter and I can't concentrate enough to put together a blog that doesn't just pretty much talk about him.  Surprisingly he is doing well, just breathing hard because of the anemia which causes his heart to beat faster.  I am not doing so well.  I have cried everyday since I found out. 

Quick weekend update....

I fed my addictions. 

Saturday I went to the food truck festival with my sister and her husband.  Lone Wolf is the most popular truck in town and the line was really long.  The toughed it out to get kimchi fries and banh mi, I went to the new pizza truck next door and got a slice of garlic pizza (Roasted garlic, garlic infused extra virgin olive oil, mozzarella and red rock salt) It was too good for words.  We also got a cookie from another truck.  I bought this shirt and cant wait to wear it!!  I love food trucks!!

I also got this shirt, since I am going to start running again.

The place with the blue shirt also had girl scout cookies, the bastards. 

After I got a good head start on my food addiction I went to the mall to feed my shopping habit.  I spent way more money than I should have.  I bought a new coach purse and wallet when I have one that I have only carried a few times.  I really need to sell some.  I also bought 3 pairs of ponte knit pants from NY&C, a cardigan to go over dresses at Anthropolgie, two pairs of shoes from AE, and a bunch of crap I didn't need from Bath and Body Works.  Now I am good and broke.

Sunday I ended up eating the entire box of girl scout cookies.  THE ENTIRE BOX.  I snacked all day long.  I know this is because of the anxiety, stress, and grief but that doesn't seem to matter to the scale.  I am up to 113.  That is 5 pounds since I got fluid removed from my band.  That night I went out to eat with a friend and to see West Side Story.  The play was alright, I just couldn't really focus on it.  I cried most of the first half for no particular reason.  The people around me must of thought I was either nuts or that I REALLY like West Side Story. 

Monday I took off work all day to get some stuff done and because I had the UGI test.  No food after midnight on Sunday and nothing at all after 9.  This would be hard to do at work. 

I took Hunter to the Eastern medicine Vet for his shot and I talked and cried to her about Dexter.  She told me that I made the right decision not doing chemo or the blood transfusions.  She gave me a powder to put on his food that is supposed to help with his blood cells and she told me to feed him "bloody organ meat".  She also said that there are some Chinese herbs that she can give him that is kind of a homeopathic type of chemo.  I am just desperate enough to try it.  If he is up to it I will probably take him in late this week.  I don't know if the meat will help him or not since he is no longer producing blood cells on his own. 

Dennis and I went to the pet crematorium and made arrangements for the inevitable.  I thought I was going to pass out.  One of the hardest things I have ever done.  I thought I wanted to get some kind of jewelry with a little bit of his ashes in it but today I am leaning more towards mixing some of his ashes into tattoo ink and getting a tattoo on my left side where he lays his head to sleep at night.

The scope went without a hitch.  We got there at 1:30 for my 2:00 appointment, I will never figure out why they do that.  I got called back right at 2 and they hit the ground running.  I didn't even have time to take my shoes off.  I was awake and ready to eat by 2:30.  The report they gave me said I had an irregular z-line (inflammation?) and that they biopsied it and would call me in about a week with results.  I haven't researched this too much because it always says it's cancer.

We stopped and ate, and boy did I eat, a full sized burger and fries.  At least I didn't eat dinner last night.

We bought liver for Dexter and I tried to cook it last night (which is why I didn't eat dinner, OMG it is so gross).  As y'all know I am not a cook but I do know that liver stinks so I tried to grill it outside.  It kept oozing through the grates of the grill, blech, I had to scrape it off and put it in a frying pan.  I have 4 more pounds to cook.  So not looking forward to that AT ALL.  Today I called around and found a butcher that has kidneys so I went by at lunch and got 5 pounds of that.  Needless to say I might not be eating dinner tonight either.

Dennis and I have worked out a schedule so that we both go by and check on Dex and feed him.  I go about 11:15 and Dennis goes about 1:30.  My dogs don't normally get to eat people food so he thinks life is pretty good right now with all the hot dogs and hamburgers and sandwiches he is getting.  Especially since his brothers and sisters aren't getting the special treatment.

I know that one of these times I will go home and find him in distress.  I am not sure what I will do at that point.  I hope I am able to do the right thing but I am not sure if I can make that life or death decision for him.  I am too selfish.  Everyday when we wake up I will reach over and snuggle him and tell him today isn't the day buddy, hang in there.

So, as you can see me blogging right now is making people want to jump out the nearest window.  I am not able to focus on anything but my boy and until my head clears up a little I just don't think I can write about it anymore.

If you want to friend me on facebook to keep up with what little bit of a boring life I do have please feel free.  I will still keep up with you guys and I will be back when the time is right.

In case this isn't bad enough, here are some pictures of skinny minny I took this weekend.

   For some reason he likes to hold my hand...or arm when we snuggle.

Mom's belly makes the best pillow

waiting for mom to come to bed.