how to move on?

I am going to try to get through this without crying, I doubt it will happen but I think it is time I start getting back in some kind of routine.

My life is in a major upheaval. I am pretty much the poster child for Murphey's Law right now. Last Sunday night the sewer backed up in my bathroom. Dennis said something about going to a hotel for the night but at that time there was no way I would leave Dexter and he was not well enough to make that kind of change. We finally got the sewer fixed over the weekend. One week without a bathroom is a little much if you ask me. It felt awesome to take a shower in my house last night though.

Eating is not good. I eat constantly. I bought two boxes of cookies over the weekend and ate one entire box by myself, I won't even start on the white chocolate M&Ms. I know this is the grief and pain from losing my little buddy but I can't keep doing this to myself!! I have an appointment with the band doctor on June 3 to get a fill. At least with fluid in the band I will have restriction and will be forces to stop eating or suffer the consequences. Dennis told me that everything happens for a reason and that if I hadn't gotten sick and hadn't had to have the fluid removed from my lap band that I wouldn't have been able to eat at all and it would have cause some serious issues.

I haven't talked to Dennis about this but I have some serious resentment towards him. I kind of blame him for Dexter passing when he did. Dex was always a nervous dog and if he was trying to protect me or wanted me to protect him, he always stood or lay by me if he was upset. Well Monday night Dennis rented some machine to clean out the sewer line. He asked me to do something and I told him no problem. Keeping in mind I have no clue how to go about cleaning out sewer lines I guess I didn't do what he wanted exactly like he wanted it done and he blew up. Dexter never left my side that night. I thought to myself then that if something happens to Dex that night I would totally blame Dennis and his temper. Of course like most men, 20 minutes later he was back to his normal self acting like nothing happened.

When I woke up on Tuesday morning Dexter was laying in bed. Normally all I had to do was say outside and he would jump up ready to go. So I snuggled with him for awhile and then said "come on, lets go outside" he didn't get up. I loved on him a little longer and had to get ready for work. He finally got up and was acting ok. I sent Dennis a text and told him that I had a bad feeling that he wouldn't make it through the day. Every morning I would wake up and tell him "today isn't the day little buddy". Instead I took him to the garage for his normal breakfast of brown rice, kidney, liver, and ground steak. He ate a little and then found some dirty clothes by the washer to lay on. That too was not normal. I sat down next to him and told him that I was very selfish and would love to have him around forever, but I know he is tired and sick and that if he needed to go he could and I would be ok without him. I will see him again someday.

I went home for lunch and took him a double cheeseburger from McD's and he ate the meat, tail wagging following me around like normal. I went back to check on him at 2:30 and he again acted almost normal. I was starting to think I was wrong, my nerves started to ease a bit.

I got home from work about 4:30, I sent Dennis a text and told him Dexter was in the backyard peeing and wagging his tail. By 4:45 he was gone. I feel so bad because he came inside and sat behind my chair like normal. I of course had to text Dennis the running commentary because we both wanted to know what was going on with him when we were gone. The next text I sent said he farted, jumped up on the couch and is panting. At first I didn't think anything about it, just being a dog. Within seconds I could tell he was having serious issues. I took a short video on my phone because I was going to send it to Dennis and tell him to meet me at the vet office. I just ended up calling Dennis and telling him to get home asap. Dennis said the last thing he heard was me screaming at Dexter to breathe. I was sitting next to him rubbing his chest. I know that was the perfect way for him to go, at home, on his couch, with me by his side scratching him.

We met someone at Companions Forever. I laid in the backseat with him. I just couldn't let go. The thought of leaving him there in cold storage was too much for me.

I picked him up on Friday and they made a clay pawprint for me. I talk to him like he is still there, which I know is crazy. I have cried everyday since I found out he was sick on May 2. I feel like I will never get through this. Then I feel like if I did go a day without crying it means I don't miss him anymore, logic has left me long ago.

Of course I am crying now.

My weight is seriously out of control. My clothes are too tight. I haven't done anything that would resemble working out since before I got sick in early April. I just don't have any energy or motivation right now. All I eat is junk food and fast food because I am too lazy to cook.

Next week I am going to Galveston for work. I love Galveston and I am hoping it will help raise my spirits a little.