trying not to whine

To start off with, I didn't weigh this morning. I am trying to weight only once or twice a week and stop obsessing about the number so much.




Food yesterday was 100% junk. Went for lunch and had tortilla soup but along with it ate way too many chips with queso. Last night after aquajogging I needed a margarita so me and HMF went to a tex mex place and split nachos and got a drink. The only redeming quality to the food was a little bit of chicken thrown in here and there. I will do better today.



Yesterday did not start off well. I am pretty sure I have mentioned the fact that D has PTSD from working as a State Trooper for years. When it starts to flair up I fill like I have to tiptoe around him on eggshells to keep him from throwing a temper tantrum like a 2 year old. Sunday evening I started to notice the signs of an impending meltdown, which makes me a nervous wreck as well. Sometimes he is able to see what kind of affect he is having on me and will calm himself down because of my stress. Well yesterday I wasn't so lucky. He ended up having a meltdown over a Fed Ex package (who knows why). At any rate we ended up getting into a huge fight, or rather he got all worked up screaming and yelling over this stupid package. I either told him to call me back when he could talk rationally and hung up on him or would try to figure out why this package was so important to him (and hanging up on him).  This stuff used to make me want to eat, but now if I try to eat when I feel like this I guess it makes my band tighter?  At any rate I will throw up anything I eat while I am anxious.



Anyway, I stayed gone from my house as long as I possibly could because I knew there was going to have to be a talk when I got there. At first he tried asking me if I was doing better, kind of playing off like I was the one pissed off. I ended up telling him that I had found out earlier that day that not only do I have to work 6 days a week for the next month, but I am the team lead over the project so I am in charge of the people that are coming in on Saturdays to work; training, work assignment, scheduling, all that kind of stuff. I explained that the work stress in itself has me on edge but the fact that my mom starts chemo next week has me right on the edge of going over an emotional cliff and his sh!t wasn't helping. I told him that there would be no more temper tantrums for awhile because all my strength is going into keeping my parents in good spirts and my mom healthy. I can't deal with his issues too, which are serious to him but seriously; (just the slightest little thing will get set him off sometimes), while my mother was going through a treatment that would make her as close to deathly ill as a person can come from what I understand. For once in his life he is going to have to be a grown up ALL THE TIME and figure out another way to deal with his anger/anxiety issues. He has a good friend who is a psychologist and I suggested he talk to him over the phone or something once a week because I was not emotionally able to be the person he takes all that anxiety out on. I had a nice little cry over everything, which I hadn't done yet so it was probably good to get it all out. I hope the talk actually clicked with him because I seriously can't deal with any small little stuff blown way out of whack in his mind. BLECH. Time will tell


I will make healthy choices today!!