changes

I am starting to feel a little claustrophobic in my life, does that make sense?  I need to make some changes but I am not sure where to start.  I am sure a lot of it has to do with the stress of work, the unknowns about furloughs, my mom being sick...it all adds up.  I can't decide if the going back to school thoughts are making that worse or better.

Sometimes a small change helps so I am going to start by getting my hair done on Friday and I am going to go back to my usual, unusual self.  I have held off because Dennis really doesn't like when I do crazy stuff to my hair and I get the "I'm too old for that" feelings but to hell with it.

These pictures are from the stylist's facebook and is kind of what I want to do.  Of course I will keep the main color of my hair red.

I have also held off because there was a position opening up as a coordinator for all the Air Force work but with the feedback I have gotten lately it is evident they already have the selection made.  Screw it.

So how old is too old to do something fun like this to your hair?  At what age do you take out the funky rook and tragus ear piercings and start acting like an adult?  I'm not sure I want to be that age.

Ok, enough of that.

I didn't run last night.  I just don't think I got enough calories and/or fluids to make for an even alright run.  I took a friend out to lunch for her birthday yesterday and I ate maybe a quarter of a cup of chicken tortilla soup.  About 3 I started to get light headed and went to the vending machine and got a hershey bar (obviously relinquishing my smiley face for the day, maybe even week).  I had muscle cramps from not drinking enough water but I was afraid to do anything but sip at my water bottle after Sunday.  I hope to get some cardio in today but if it is tomorrow before my body feels up to it then so be it.  I don't want to push it and either hurt myself or mentally break down and not want to do the races I have signed up for the rest of the month. 

Thursday I have to go back to the band doctor.  I'm curious to see what he says.  My weight is still right around the 115 range.  Not sure what it is about 112 that sounds so appealing but that is where I WANT to be.  3 pounds shouldn't have that much effect on a person but it does.  My appointment is at 5 and they are having a seminar at 6.  Dr. A asked me to stay and speak to the people at the seminar.  Why not.  I don't feel much like a good example but looking back on the pictures I know that I have come a really long way.

On a funny note, my sister is one of those strange 'I believe in aliens and astrological chart people'.  I asked her to do my chart before I decided to go back to school for sure.  She sent me a text back almost immediately and told me she could tell me right off that this year I was going to feel attacked at all angles.  I almost laughed out loud.  Maybe there is something to the chart thing.
 

swollowing cement

Yesterday I had the worst stuck episode of my banded life!!  It was horrible.  I wanted to die. 

Since Dennis has been busy working with his ham radio buddies all week, he promised that we would spend Sunday together, go to lunch, maybe a movie...a regular date day.

Well I had been having bad food days all weekend long.  Nothing was getting stuck but I just couldn't seem to eat more than 4 bites of anything.  I thought that by Sunday I would be hungry and could eat like a normal bandster.  NOPE.  We ended up going to Texas Roadhouse and I got smothered chicken, which I have gotten before and haven't had problems with.  I cut up little bites, ate slow, chewed well.  I guess there was a rouge mushroom or something because we didn't get very far from the restaurant and I had to have Dennis pull over.  I hate doing that because it really makes him feel bad and I feel bad because he bought me a nice lunch, lol.

So we pull over and I think I feel better.  Our first stop was to get dog food.  I had to make another trip to the porcelain god.  Again, I thought I felt better.  We stopped at the pharmacy to pick up some KT tape that was on sale and I again had to puke.  I got some gum because I knew for sure I had puke breath.  Another stop for Dennis, I didn't think I would be able to make it, I guess it was the gum but I felt like I had been stabbed in the stomach.  I stayed in the car while he did whatever he had to do so he would see me walk around to the side of the building and this time I think for sure it is all out.  I don't see how I could have anything left.  I took a drink on our way to the last place we needed to stop and had to pull over again because the liquid wasn't going down.  By this time Dennis was asking if I was sure I didn't want to go to the ER and have fluid taken out.

We ate at noon and I didn't get unstuck until about 4!!  I wanted to cut myself open and take the crap out myself.  It hurt so freaking bad.  I tried to drink some G2 and water the rest of the day but I seriously had to sip it.  This morning wasn't much better but it has gotten better as the day went on. 

But, overall it was a good weekend.  I had a sinus headache facial on Saturday, which helped with the headaches I have been having. 

No running over the weekend.  I got up on Saturday and went outside to gauge the temperature to see how to dress and the wind was 20+mph and there was smoke from a grass fire in the air.  With the headaches I had been having I decided to take a weekend off since I have a 5K on Saturday and the 3 or 6 hour Snake run on Sunday....if the trail isn't muddy.  Next Saturday is Race to the Well 10K.  I figured I wouldn't have any trouble making up miles over the next few weekends.  BTW I still haven't signed up for the Snake Run.  It rained really hard on Saturday and was drizzly yesterday.  I have never done a trail run and I really don't want to do my first one in the mud.  I will go out there and if it isn't muddy sign up, if it is I will help out with timing or an aid station.  I plan on doing that after my 3 hour run is over anyway. 

The lady I have been talking to about the nutrition program at Oklahoma State told me that Kansas State has an online dietetics degree.  It isn't cheap, like $400 an hour, so I will have to find some kind of financial aid.  I will also need to take an HAP class and maybe biology before I can apply.  If I can take it online through our local community college I will probably just go ahead and take them both in the fall.  I have had lots of biology but it was all environmental, not like regular biology.  It can only help me I think and I like that type of thing anyway.  So it is looking like I will have to wait until Spring semester to apply, but I am going to call or email and make sure there is nothing else I need to do.  The only thing that is really freaking me out at this point (besides the possibility of  having to take organic chemistry) is the 1200 hours of internship time required to be an RD.  That will have to be done before I can start the Master's program.  I am trying to take it one step at a time.

I hope to get a run in today but it kind of depends on how the food situation goes today.  As of right now I am starving.  I plan on sticking with mushy and liquids for a few days until my stomach isn't so freaked out.  If I can't get enough calories in I will wait until tomorrow to try to run. 

Hope everyone has a great week.

smiley face day

1.  So the gold stars I was giving myself for not stress eating at work have turned into smiley faces.  The store I went to last night didn't have stars so this is what I have...

Kind of funny now the smiley days are also run days (the numbers at the bottom are the number of miles ran that day).  Running is a good motivator.

2.  Yesterday was supposed to be a 3 mile run day.  Since Work friend had to pick up her kid and I don't really want to spend anymore time at work then I have to, I decided to go to the reservoir AKA the res.  The res has a 2.6 mile loose small gravel track around it.  It was perfect weather so I ended up doing 2 laps and 5.1 miles.  I had a great time.  There were very few people there so I played spotify karaoke.  I feel sorry for those people who did pass me on the trail though.   

3.  I am really back in a running grove and have taken the time for some self reflection.  A few things I discovered
  a.  I hate my handheld amphipod, the rubber keeps coming off the bottom of it which makes is impossible to hold.  I almost threw it in the water several times yesterday.  I hate hydration belts, just can't stand the sloshing, makes me have to pee.  so when I got home I ordered this...

It's smaller than I am used to but I really like the thumb hold.  My hands are tiny so my only concern is that it might be a little big.  We will see soon.

 b. Songs make a huge difference in my running pace and intensity.  For example, Fun. We Are Young is the perfect tempo song for me.  I can pace myself to that song and run all day.  Godsmack Whatever is my angry song.  I run like a mad person during that song and could probably run a 5K to just that one song.  Anything longer and I would probably pass out.  I do love that song.

 c.  I am an interval runner.  I have tried both just running and doing intervals and I am faster with the short walk breaks.  Last night I did the first lap at run 1 walk 1 in the low 12's.  The second lap I did at 1:30 run 1 minute walk and ended up with a total overall pace of 12:40.  I never really felt tired so I don't think that was the case, I think it has a lot to do with the inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia.  My resting heart rate is about 100 and working out can easily get into the 200's.  For the first lap my heart rate stayed under 200 (even on my third mile, which was the fastest) but the second was all close to 210.  These are things that I have to remind myself when people say that people who run intervals aren't "real" runners.

 d.  If I didn't run I would be on a pantry full of mood altering anxiety meds.  I can tell such a difference in my attitude when I don't move.

4.  I broke down and ordered some from the Skirt Sports sale.  I love their running skirts, they have plenty of pockets.  I ended up getting two skirts and two tank tops.  The tanks have a hidden pocket on the inside "cleavage" area.  I could have done a lot of damage but I limited myself to buying only things with pockets and tried to keep is as close to $100 as possible.  I am so excited to be able to wear them.

5.  For some really strange reason I am in a music funk.  I don't listen to country music at all, but I had a time in the 90's that me and a friend would go dancing and of course got to where we liked some of the 90's country music.  I am building a country playlist in spotify and have been listening to 90's country on Pandora.  I am getting some strange looks.  It isn't Godsmack, lol.

6.  Dennis is in trouble.  I hate how people think that just because we don't have "real"kids that we can spend countless hours on things that they are just way too busy for.  The current project is some stupid tower trailer for his ham radio club (yep, he is a geek).  He has literally stayed at work until after 8 every night this week to fix it.  No one has even offered to come and help him.  I am so freaking irritated at this point.  I am normally pretty laid back about this kind of stuff but I am going through a work crisis and it would be nice to have my support system there for me.  He doesn't really understand because I am so laid back and we do have our separate hobbies.  He promised me this morning that Sunday we will spend the day together.  He better hope to god that trailer doesn't come up or I will hook up to that thing and drive it into the water somewhere.  I don't normally like to do a lot on Sunday's.  It is usually a rest day for me and I sit around and catch up on my DVR and spend quality time with the best dogs in the universe.  But this Sunday we will do something by god, I just got to figure out what.  

7.  I thought I was finished taking leave for awhile, but I called my eye doctor today and told him I was having problems with my contacts and just wanted a copy of my prescription to take to eyemart until my eyes start being normal again.  Well it turns out my script was written in 2010.  I have an appointment to see him March 17 at 1.  I am also going to see Dr. A that day at 5.  They are having a seminar at 6 and they want me to stay and tell my story.  Even though I don't feel it, Dr. A says I am still his star patient.

8.  I sent an email to Oklahoma State University yesterday to see if they would work with me on getting my Master's in Nutritional Science.  What I hope they can do is let me take what is absolutely necessary from the undergrad program and let me start on the Master's portion.  I haven't heard back from them so we will see.  That might make it a little bit harder but then again I have real life experience so that might be enough.  I just want to get started already.

9.  I signed up for  the Saint Patrick Day 5K this morning.  It is on the 16th and the Snake Run is on the 17th.  I still haven't decided if I want to do that one.  I probably won't decide until the week of.  I just don't do muddy trail runs.  If the ground is dry I am in and will do the 3 hour option and help out with the last 3 hours.  They also have a new run in May that is a three day run, 25K the first day, 50K the second, and 25K the third.  In my dreams I could totally do this but reality she is a bitch.  I did sign up to help.

10.  I probably need to get some work done since I am on the brink of failure and all.  I am seriously just in the mood to tell everyone to kiss my ass with a smile on my face.  Maybe I need to decrease my med, lol

no gold star yesterday

I didn't earn my gold star yesterday (I get a gold star everyday I go without visting the office candy jar, or for now a star drawn with a brown sharpie) They always bring snacks in to these 3 hour long meetings and I swear there was a mini twix just daring me to eat it during the entire meeting. I almost made it too. I was getting aggravated at my supervisor and co-lead answering questions for me when they weren't involved in the projects. The information they had they got from me!! I wanted to tell them that I didn't need their help making me look like an incompetent idiot. Instead I ate the damn candy bar. After that all bets were off; a mini snickers, 3 musketeer and m&ms also meet a tragic fate at my doing. Oh well. I will get my gold star today. Oh, yeah, remind me to go buy gold stars,

No work out last night. I had my nails done saturday and my thumb was starting to peal. I was so concerned I would forget to stop by and get the nail fixed that I forgot my running bag at work. Today is supposed to be a nice day so I will get it in today. I need to start doing some treadmill speed work again too.

Speaking of getting my nails done, I went in on a groupon and really liked this lady, she did a great job and offers fills for shilac nails at a much cheaper price. I have never seen anyone do that before. She seemed nice and offers appointments online, which I love. Well as I was there yesterday she started talking about "black helicopters" flying around doing urban assault training. I told her that Tulsa County has a black helicopter, I know this for a fact because we got to go up in it and take pictures for a photography class. But nope, these are UN helicopters practicing for the Government take over and that they have been spotted in Texas and Florida and it is just a sign of the end times . She then starts talking about how the holy spirit told her that the Hoover Dam would be the next thing to be targeted and it wouldn't be a natural disaster or terrorists, it would be an inside job like the twin towers. I almost got up and walked out with my wet nails. Crap, now I have to find another nail lady because I can't listen to that bat crazy crap. I almost asked her if she knew I worked for the federal government, I could be in on all of this and I would never tell. The nail lady is know known as Jessie Ventura.

I am eating peanut butter for breakfast but keeping in mind that there is probably close to 180 calories in two spoon fulls. NO MORE HALF A JAR SNACK. As a matter of fact, on more spoonful and it goes back in my drawer. I am trying to limit the PB consumption to pre-run fuel.

I have looked more into the going back to school thing. Oklahoma State has a couple of programs I am really interested in Community Nutrition and Nutrition or Dietetics and Exercise with a minor in Nutritional Sciences. The college campus is about an hour and a half away and I don't know if I could handle the stress of a commute like that on top of a stressful full time job. I need to call or email and find out if they offer enough of the classes online that I could do the majority of it there and if some of the classes might be offered at the Tulsa campus. The Master's program is offered online but since my degree is in Environmental Science I don't think that would help me out much. OU offers a program too but it isn't exactly what I want and again, it doesn't look like it is offered online. I also need to look into financial aid, which I don't think I could get and scholarships for old people. It has been so long since I have done this I am sure I will have to get help from some of the young yipper snappers in my office. The more I think about it the more excited I get.  Anyone information on locating scholarships would be greatly appreciated.

Baby steps

I really want to thank everyone who has offered their support and comments on my whoa is me blogs the last few weeks.  I am really trying to force myself into a better place.  Ya know, fake it 'til ya make it. 

I had a pretty good weekend.  Saturday was pretty much all about me.  I had my nails done, got my hair trimmed and touched up, bought that sweater I have had my eye on for months.  Start the month off right. 

Yesterday turned out to be super busy.  I had to take off early to get Hunter to the vet to get his arthritis shot.  Dennis usually takes him but he has screwed his schedule up because of the stupid radio club (I am about to throw a tantrum about the stupid radio club btw) so I had to take off work to get Hunt to the vet to keep him on schedule.  I also had to take him to his regular vet to get his proheart shot because they were out last week.  While I was out I stopped and mailed a care package off to Jennifer and got a few pairs of jeans hemmed that I have had sitting around my house.  The sad thing about the jeans is, one pair I can't get buttoned now.  I have to stop being a food vacuum. 
I dropped Hunter's pain medication prescription off at the pharmacy and went for a run around the reservoir a couple of miles away.  It was hot, like in the 70's so my pace was a lot slower than normal.  Funny thing is, in a few months the 70's will be a cold front.

Anyway, I got a lot done yesterday and even made time for a little exercise.  The plan is to either run on the treadmill or do the recumbent bike tonight.  I brought my stuff to work so I might break down and just go downstairs and do it.

I know this sounds crazy but I have a real desire to go back to school and get a degree in nutrition.  I think it is very interesting and I don't know of very many that have actually gone through serious weight issues and/or WLS.  I have started to look at some schools but can't find anything local.  I could do it online but would have to pay the outrageous out of state tuition.  I need to do some more research and find some scholarships.  I do have my Masters in Environmental Science so I am not sure what I would be able to use towards this degree.  Probably only the basics is what I am thinking, have to start with the B.S. but heck, at least the boring part is out of the way.  I know this might just be me deflecting since I am so unhappy with my job right now.  Although I have thought about this a lot, I may look at you like you have two heads if you remind me I thought about doing this in a month or so.  Plus, I don't think I could ever leave my "cushy" government job but I could do something on weekends and evenings since most people work.  I think I just miss the feeling of school being the most stressful thing in my life.

As far as junk food goes, I have done pretty good.  No easter candy at work on Friday or yesterday.  We had program yesterday with cake and I took a piece, ate three bites and threw it away.  We are having a staff meeting this morning and people have a really bad habit of bringing snacks.  I am going to go fill up my water bottle and sit as far away from the shit as I can. 

One day at a time.  I really need to order some gold stars to put on my calendar. 

picture pages

 At my highest weight

About the same time frame.  My older sister on the left and Trisha Yearwood in the middle.  This was at a watch party for my friends rescue, Trisha played Wheel of Fortune and gave the money to my friend.  Trish and Garth live in my neck of the woods.  By that I mean they have a mansion on a billion acres in the country where no one can bother them.  So we are pretty much neighbors, lol.

Taken about a month before my surgery

After the OKC Half in 2010.  It was a horrible run.

As you can tell by the look on my face.  The girl next to me came in second over all female in the half.  We hate her.

Women's Half Marathon in Nashville.  I can't believe that is me!!

Training run either last year. 

My one and only attempt at trail running.  I don't know if it was the actual running or the picture that made me hate it.  I have some serious old lady boobs going on.

 Trying to learn to blow a snot rocket.  Runners should be able to do that, I hate that I can't

Padre

My first 5k

My little sassy lashes and my pixie cut.

Hunter at the blessing of the animals

My tattoo.  The tattoo is awesome the marathon finish was not so good. 

My purple hair, no wonder they love me at work so much.  I so need to do something like this again.

Run Tulsa Pink from last year.  About 11 months after the picture with Hunter.  (I'm 355 in case you couldn't find me)

July of last year.  I think I was at 111 in this picture.  My lowest is 108. 

One day at a time

Actually I am kind of taking it one hour at a time.  I seriously have a post it note on my desk with the title "shit food tally" written across it.  Every hour I make it without putting crap in my mouth is a huge win.  So far so good.  I totally need to buy gold stars at lunch.

I did go for that run last night.  It went a lot better than I thought it would.  It wasn't cold per say but it was windy and the wind was a bitch.  I put my face mask on (most of the neighbors probably thought they were going to be invaded) and a layer of icebreaker and headed out.  I did the first 1.25 miles non-stop in under 12.  There are some pretty nasty hills so I walked those playing some mind games (run to the red truck loser, anyone can do that...then you can walk (maybe I need to come up with some positive run mantras, lol)).  At any rate, it worked.  I had so much frustration and anger to work through that I thought I had worn myself out after the first part of the run but I pushed on and got 3 miles in.  Tomorrow the run group is doing 5 and I kind of want to join them but then again I could sleep in and run Sunday when it is supposed to be in the 60's.  Sometimes it is best to just get it over with.

Dennis worked late last night so I took the time and contacted a friend of mine that lived in my dorm in college.  She is a dietician and I wanted to get her take on my roller coaster ride.  I explained to her that very few people know about my lap band but I feel that I need some help and thought she might be able to steer me in the right direction.

Her advice to me was to journal, write down what I am feeling before I stick crap in my mouth.  I need to see if there is an app for that.  Carbs are the go to when we are feeling overwhelmed because of the serotonin, dopamine, and tryptophan.  This is also why people who diet and restrict get depressed and have sleep issues.  She suggested I google Evelyn Tribole's hunger fullness scale to see if it will help me out.  I haven't done that yet but it is on my to do list. She also told me that I am active and healthy and need to lay off the self flagellation.  Funny enough, she is a government contractor so if we are fucked over by the sequestration crap we will be able to meet up on our forced day off and go over everything.

I also called my old personal trainer.  I really liked her and was very upset when she left my gym.  She is still training but on a very limited basis.  She told me awhile back that she would train me for $35 and hour but I would probably only need once a week since I am pretty active on my own.  I thought this would be a great accountability tool and help with my belly flab.  Unfortunately she doesn't have any time slots open that will work with me.

So guy and gals looks like I am in this on my own.  I can do this.  I have Dennis who is awesome at telling me to go run before I kill someone.  This weekend we will have a sit down and I will tell him what I need from him as far as not bringing crap into my house.  I am sure that will help and also make me think twice before I bring it in since I told him that he couldn't do it.  Hopefully it doesn't make me binge in my car.  Yeah, I just went there.

After my run yesterday I signed up for several races.  I have the St. Pattys Day 5K on the 16th, Snake run (the 3 hour option) on the 17th; as long as it isn't muddy, Race for the Well 10K on the 23rd and Run Tulsa Pink in April sometime.  Just because I am not going to have 15 half marathons in the next few months doesn't mean that I can't go out and run in a group and have fun.  Who knows, it might just make me faster.

As far as the day in work goes.  I have seriously not talked to a single person I directly work with today.  Might be a great Friday!!