I'm not a lawyer, but I played on on TV

 

Okay, let me tell you about this whole background acting experience because it was a day.

It started off kind of chaotic. They emailed me saying they would text details the day before, which they did… barely. I think I got my report time on Friday for a Monday shoot. Super organized.

We were told to show up at a church downtown at 6:42 AM. Yes, 6:42 specifically. Fully ready. Hair, makeup, dressed professionally, and bring extra outfits just in case.

I showed up a little early in a dark green pantsuit with platform loafers, feeling like I had it together. Checked in, went to costumes with my backup clothes, and they approved what I was wearing. Then someone took my picture and came back asking if they could put my hair in a low ponytail.

I mean… they had already seen my bright hair in pictures, so I figured pulling it back was the least offensive option. Also, let’s be honest, I assumed I would just be a blur in the background anyway.

After that they sent us to breakfast. And when I say breakfast, I mean a whole production. Multiple tents, people cooking, burritos, hashbrowns, juice station, cereal bar, fruit, yogurt. I am not even a breakfast person but it was impressive. I grabbed some fruit, filled my Owala with water, and sat down.

They started calling groups, taking photos, and loading people into vans. Since they asked me to use my car, I got to wait. And wait. And wait.

We didn’t get moving until after 8. At one point I honestly thought they forgot about us. Eventually we followed a van with our flashers on to a building nearby and parked.

Then came the holding room. Three flights of stairs in the Tulsa County Public Defender’s Office. No elevator because it was too loud. Of course.

And then we sat.

And waited.

And waited some more.

People came and went but the three of us car people just sat there for hours. They eventually came in and gave us a lunch menu which honestly shocked me. I fully expected sad sandwiches and a bottle of water. Instead there was smoked sirloin, chicken options, fish, sides, and dessert. Not bad.

Lunch showed up around 3:00. At this point we had still done absolutely nothing but sit in metal folding chairs that were slowly destroying my will to live. But hey, we were getting paid.

We all chatted while eating and apparently a lot of these people do background acting regularly. Like… seriously regularly. Some of them drove over an hour to be there. They get about $88 for the day and an extra $20 if they use their car. So yeah, they are not doing it for the money.

Around 3:30 they finally called us down to film.

We were told not to talk at all. Not even whisper because the mics pick up everything. Three of us stood outside a building pretending to make lunch plans. One extra walked out, I made awkward small talk, and then wandered around pretending to be on my phone like I did not want to go back inside.

At some point Betty Gilpin walked by. I did not recognize her at the time but you could immediately tell she was not one of us. Just effortlessly gorgeous. Like obviously not effortless, but still. She stood out.

We filmed the same thing over and over for about an hour. Then switched it up so I walked out of the building on my phone. More takes. More walking. More pretending to exist.

They finally wrapped around 6.

It was a long day. I am not sure I would do it again, but I am glad I did it.

Now for the most important part.

As we were wrapping up, Ethan Hawke walks out and asks me if I know where they moved the soda.

And I said yes, they are in the cooler around the corner.

So anyway, we are engaged now. Thinking a small wedding in the spring.

---

They are still emailing about extra roles. One came through saying they needed people to play unhoused individuals. Naturally I immediately thought of Dennis and his current situation with the beard.

I told him and he said sign him up. So I sent his picture in. Honestly, with that wild beard and hair, I feel like his chances are pretty high. We will see.

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Outside of my brief acting career, life has been pretty normal.

I went to the ballet with my older sister. It was Casanova, which made things interesting. They handed out masquerade masks and had photo booths set up. We have not gone in a long time and it was actually really nice. We grabbed drinks after and talked about my trip. She is still mad she did not come with me.

Health-wise, I have been dealing with numbness in my fingers and toes. Got bloodwork done and I am still low in some things, but not enough to explain it. I bumped up my B complex and iron and it has helped.

Doctor thinks it might be carpal tunnel and wants me to see a hand surgeon. I am not sold on that idea. It is improving and I really do not want to deal with appointments and time off work if I can avoid it.

Therapist also suggested I look into ARFID. There is a nutritionist nearby who specializes in it, but of course there is a waitlist. I am on it now, so we will see how long that takes.

---

Work is… a lot.

I am not loving it right now, so I try not to think about it too much. Recreation season is coming up which means the rangers will be on swing shift, so things should slow down a little until after Labor Day.

That said, we are short staffed, not allowed to hire summer rangers, and not allowed to close parks.

So… not entirely sure what the plan is there.

---

This weekend is looking better though.

I am getting my hair and nails done. My nail tech randomly moved into the suite across from the girl that does my hair. It was totally random but it’s a small world. That should work out great for me.

Sunday I am doing brunch with one of my sisters and my mom. It is one of those classic mom invites where it is technically optional but also absolutely not optional. A little guilt, a little obligation, but it should still be nice once we are all there.

We also bought a new grill that has a griddle and a pizza oven. I am very excited about the pizza oven even though I am absolutely not the type to make dough from scratch.

I will be consulting my local pizza expert for some kind of kit situation. This could either go really well or be a complete disaster.

Either way, content.

trip recap

  

I haven't weighed at all in the last few weeks. My appetite is meh so I didn't want to have a full on panic if the number went down. I have been having issues with my fingers and toes going numb as well. My regular follow up appointment with the PCP is in a month. I may see if he will order labs before the appointment to check my B-12 levels as I am sure that is where the issue is. For some reason my fingers going numb bother me a lot more than the toes. Maybe because I am more used to that happening? Dunno. 

Before I left for my trip, I asked my NP friend if she thought a vitamin C shot would give me a little boost. She said it wouldn't hurt, however they are painful and if it were her, she would do an IV. I hate IV infusions so I figured how bad can it be? Turns out, it's bad. I told her to just give it to me in my arm, and it felt like she was shooting it directly into my bone. It was as bad as the hep shot I had to get to deploy. I guess I didn't look too great because she made me sit down and drink some water before I left. It hurt for a few days too. I'm not sure I will be doing that again; I don't think it was worth the payoff. 

For some reason they decided to give us an hour off on Friday afternoon, which worked out well because my focus had long since left me. I was already on vacation time. I got home and started laundry and packed. When I went to check in for my flight, I had an upgrade offer for a steal with my miles, so I jumped on that and got first class for both flights. That being said, I got a free checked bag so I decided to take my full-sized suitcase so I would have room to bring stuff back. 

I had no idea it was spring break last week, but other than the people at the counter taking forever to check bags, getting checked in and through security was quick and painless. I really feel terrible for TSA right now. I know what it's like being a pawn and they had a much better attitude than I would have. The flight was on time, and my suitcase was one of the first to show up on baggage claim. I was going to take the subway to the hotel but since I had the bigger suitcase, I didn't really want to have to fight the stairs, so I booked an Uber shuttle. It was $20 as opposed to the nearly $100 a cab or rideshare would cost. It was very reminiscent of the pre-rideshare Super Shuttle days. They only dropped off at central locations, but it was only a 3-minute walk to my hotel. When I got off the shuttle, I realized I had left my coat at home. Since it was in the 70's I didn't give it a second thought until I got out of the van. I can't say I enjoyed rolling my bag through Times Square but since I had to buy a coat anyway it was worth saving a little money. 

I got checked into the hotel and dropped my bag. The room was tiny but being by myself and for a short trip I wasn't too picky. My plan was to head to 5th Avenue and do some shopping. Given my general lack of direction and the whole having no clue where I am thing, it took me a little bit to get my bearings, but I finally got it figured out. My first stop was the TKTS booth. I had purchased tickets to Death Becomes Her earlier, but I got an email saying 2 of the leads were out that day and they offered refunds. I decided to get a refund and see if I could get better or cheaper seats there. The TKTS booth had an insane line, and the theater was like a block away, so I decided to just go up to the box office. I ended up getting a good seat for half the price. From there I headed to the Adidas flagship store to see about getting some personalized shoes. It was busy but I got the pair I wanted and went to drop them off. The personalization area closed at 6 and it was about 5:30 so that worked out. The people in front of me, however, had 5 pairs of shoes that they wanted done so I felt like I was in line forever. I finally got that done, paid for it, and headed to Abercrombie. I never shop there but I saw somewhere online that they have NYC-only exclusive clothes and one was an adorable sweater that I wanted. I found the store easy enough, but they only had it in a men's large, so I obviously passed on that. They did have a couple of sweatshirts that I liked so I got those and picked one up for my sister. I looked for a coat but didn't see anything I liked. When I went to check out, my debit card declined. I have been having issues with it lately not going through at certain gas stations and not working when I am out of town, so I need to make a note to call my bank. I tried to use my credit card, and it declined as well. I am glad I thought to bring cash because I just paid and went on, albeit a little embarrassed. I barely made it out of the store when I got a text from the credit card company asking if that was me trying to make a charge. UM, yes, thanks for nothing. At least I was able to verify it was me and could use the credit card for the rest of the visit, I guess. I made another stop at Zara where I found a really cute suede jacket for a reasonable price and decided to head back to the hotel, grab some street pizza, and drop my bags before the show at 8. I made a little side quest to see the ice rink at Rockefeller Center. 

The show was hilarious. Really glad I got a coat though! I stopped at the Hershey store and got a melted Reese's peanut butter cup hot chocolate. It was a little tricky to drink but it really hit the spot. My plan was to go down to see the public art exhibit on the billboards at 11:57 but I started to doom scroll and the next thing I knew it was midnight. I took a quick shower, got in my PJs, and was sound asleep before I even combed my hair. 

Sunday, I got up earlier than I thought I would, so I decided to take the subway to Chinatown because 1- I had never been and 2- they have salons that do cheap blowouts that are supposed to do great work. I googled it and it looked like the salon I had in mind opened at 8:30. I was the second person there and it was so worth the trip. The shampoo and neck/shoulder massage were worth it by themselves. It turned out cute, but the style fell out faster than I would have liked. It was also windy and I was outside in it, so I couldn't really complain. 

I had a tattoo appointment scheduled for 11. I didn't have a great feeling about it. I had made the appointment in early February based on a Google and AI search and liked the place. I had a text conversation with whoever set up the appointments and I explained that I was only there for a few days and had a very limited window of time, and asked if they could make that work. They assured me it wasn't an issue and sent me the portfolio of the artist I was scheduled with. All good. That was until the week before I left. I got a text saying the artist had something come up and asked if I could do another time or date. I sent a text back saying yeah, that's a no. I would cancel if they returned the deposit I had made. I got a message back saying that deposits are non-refundable, but they had another artist available at 1:30 that day. I asked them if they needed me to send a copy of the original text that told them of my availability when I first set up the appointment. The entire purpose of the trip was for the show I was going to see at 3:00 that day and I wasn't going to be rushed and anxious about missing it because of them. They knew this when they took my money. If I had been the one to request the reschedule, I would have had no problem forfeiting my deposit, but they are the ones that need it moved, and the new time did not work for me. Of course they found someone to do it. I asked them to send the portfolio and told them I would only agree if I was satisfied with the work. The shop had great reviews and I had looked through all the work when I made the appointment, so I didn't think it would be an issue, but I was not in the mood to be accommodating. They sent the link, and he was probably better than the first person, so I agreed. I'm glad I stood my ground on the time because he was SSSLLLLLOOOOWWWW. I didn't get out of there until after 1:00. I had planned on meandering back towards 5th Avenue to pick up my shoes from Adidas and make a quick stop into the Tiffany flagship. Probably for the best that didn't work out. I ended up getting an Uber to the store to get my shoes and walked back to the hotel. I had hoped to be able to stop at Drama Bookshop but couldn't make that work. I got back to the hotel, ordered room service, and started to get ready for the 3:00 show. Not sure how they decided to put straight up wasabi-level spicy mustard on my smashburger, but it was way too much. I was able to salvage a little and eat some of it so I would have something on my stomach before the emotional rollercoaster I knew was coming. 

The theater was a couple of blocks away, but I got there a little early because I knew the show was sold out and was going to be crazy. I was right. I forgot how tiny those theaters are and trying to get all those people into their seats was a cluster. Plus, the ushers were really trying to show people their seats one group at a time. They had me go out to another aisle to get to my seat when my seat was in the middle of the row, so it really didn't matter, but it took me 10 minutes to get back out to the main flow and fight my way to the other aisle. The energy was a vibe. From the minute Pony came through the audience through a lot of the first act, there was a lot of applause and whooping. The guy that plays Daryl already had a puffy face and red eyes so I knew he had been crying. One of the Soc girls had already cried off her eyelashes and in one of the first scenes, where she didn't really face the crowd, I could see her wiping her eyes. Despite that, they were really in it and you couldn't tell they were emotional during the songs. The Soda character has some pretty funny lines in the first act and he really seemed to lean into it, doing some things I hadn't seen the character do before that had everyone rolling. Then the second act started, and I think people were crying almost as soon as the curtain went up. I held it together and thought to myself, "self, maybe this is the first time you don't cry." I was wrong. If you aren't familiar with the book or movie, as soon as the church catches fire and the overly emotional part starts, the actors begin to openly cry. That was a gut punch. The last scene was brutal and if there was a person in the building that wasn't crying, I would put money on them being a heartless, soulless monster. There were a few touches that if you hadn't seen the show before you might not even notice, but most of the people there are super fans and notice everything, lol. So there were times when there were audible gasps. The curtain call at the end was wild. So many tears and hugs. All of them were crying, a few full on ugly crying at that point. I was a mess. I was so glad I was able to go and will probably never experience anything else like it. 

Leaving was another chore. From what I understand, people who didn't have tickets lined up at the stage door an hour before the show let out. It was insane. It was about 5:45 and I had my last show at 6:30. I pushed my way through and stopped to get a drink since I was pretty well dehydrated by that point. I had plenty of time and was able to sit back, get my usual new-show magnet and a sweatshirt, and settle in for Oh, Mary! It was the perfect thing to see after so much sad. It was incredibly funny and campy. It portrays Mary Todd Lincoln as a snarky alcoholic trying to get back on stage while her husband won't let her follow her dreams of being a cabaret star. Abraham Lincoln is very much using her to hide his sexuality, and to get her to stop complaining and drinking, he sets her up with a chaperone named Louise and an acting teacher named John Wilkes Booth. I snort laughed through the whole thing. When I got back to my hotel, I realized I had mascara down my face from one or both of the shows. It was still early so I freshened up and went out to a few of the stores at Times Square. I found a few more exclusive sweaters and shirts and tried to figure out what I wanted to eat. I consulted the internet and found a piano bar not far past the Richard Rodgers Theater that got great reviews and had food, so I headed there.

I got a bar seat, and a drink called a sexy mama and some chicken tenders, because of my refined toddler palette.  I ended up talking to two people at the bar who work there and we had a great conversation and exchanged socials.  They are both great performers and I had a really good time.  I ended up going back to my hotel around 10:45 to pack and get ready to leave the next day.  I almost missed the public art thing again but caught the last 45 seconds or so.  I wasn’t as impressed as I could have been.  I thought they synched up all the billboards but it wasn’t all of them.  It was still neat.  I will try it again next time I go if it isn’t 20 degrees. 

I slept a little later Monday, so I didn’t have time to do much, plus it was raining and foggy.  I have a ton of rewards points from Chik fil a so I got a free chicken biscuit at the jesus chicken a block away and got ready for the shuttle to pick me up.  This time I used one through the hotel, so they met me at the hotel.  I was, again, worried about security but it was a 3-minute wait for pre-check.  I don’t hate LGA airport so being there early wasn’t an issue.  I love the fountain and usually sit out at the main court at the B terminal and watch it for a while.  I didn’t do the spa thing this time because I didn’t really walk that much.  The flight was supposed to leave at 12:20, we boarded about 20 minutes late and we got an announcement over the intercom that one of the overhead bins got stuck and they had to get maintenance to sign off on the safety checklist and we would be out.  They gave the option of getting off the plane since we hadn’t pushed back, which I thought was a little sketch, but it was probably only 10 minutes.  We pushed back and waited, and waited, and waited.  The pilot said that we were waiting for other planes because of the weather that was coming through they were actively rerouting every few minutes, however, our path was clear so we would go as soon as we could.  Finally, after about an hour they said if you don’t have your seatbelts fastened, get them bad boys on because we are next and if we don’t go now not sure how much longer we would have to wait.  It was a little bumpy until we reached cruising altitude but otherwise unremarkable. 

So that was my first solo trip to the big city.  Dennis asked me when I was going back and I told him I think I will go to London next year instead.  My passport is expired so I will need to get that started but I have plenty of time.  Not sure if I am going to ask someone to go with me or just do it alone.  I have never flown overseas before so I think my anxiety going alone would be pretty high but nothing I couldn’t figure out. 

Ok, I guess I need to get busy doing real world stuff. 

Small progress

It's been a strange week.  

Mental and emotionally it has been better than average.  Things have been so busy that I haven't had a lot of time to sit with my feelings.  Being at home has never really been the issue, work is always the trigger but I have been trying to just focus on the project I'm working on and not think to much about the big picture.  I think knowing I will be going to NYC soon.  I took a peak at the weather and it is going to be so freaking cold.  I will have to pack half my closet for 2.5 days.  Worth it.

Dennis still doesn't have the insurance thing worked out.  I called my benefits center, which is no small task (on hold for over 2 hours) to find out I can remove him from my insurance but still have to pay for self +1 so that's a pass.  I don't know what he's going to do.  I am on team shut the fuck up and deal with it in October during open season.  I'm still not going to take him off mine because I don't trust them and it is none of their business if he is on my  insurance or not.  I know he can't stack it but until I know what they do I am not going to risk it.  Having secondary coverage with his health issues are always a bonus.  

Late last week there was a business next door to them that got raided by ice. Part of the staff/volunteers were telling them where to hide.  Then there was the bitch that called the cops and told them exactly where they were going.  She also told them they were trying to steal cars.  There was a dozen of them and cameras so make that make sense.  One of the volunteers went on tiktok and told all about it and said the name of the person who called.  Dennis confirmed and said she was bragging about it.  They got so many comments and voice messages that they turned it all off.  I have been telling Dennis everyday when he leaves for work to make sure and tell Robin to go fuck herself.  Not going to work myself into a frenzy so I'll leave it at that.

Heather sent me a text and told me that the Hulu series The Lowdown was casting extra for the second season,  It's based off a real journalist from Tulsa.  It's another series from Sterlin Harjo, a local legand, who also did Reservation Dogs (one of the best series I have watched in a long time).  The first season was great with a ton of local artists staring in it.  Ethan Hawke stars in it and has turned into a real advocate for Tulsa.  But I digress.  We both put in to be extras and I got picked to be a 'business person'.  They also want my car which will earn it $20, lol.  They are shooting March 23rd and said they won't be able to give any details until the day before.  I am excited to see the filming stuff.  Maybe I'll get lucky and meet Tim Blake Nelson.  More to come.

I started logging my food again.  I was really good about making an attempt to eat at work.  I had chicken piccata on Monday.  I didn't eat much but I did eat.  I also put some broccoli in and ate all of it because it has a lot of vit C.  Tuesday was food truck day and I had about one and a half street tacos, but they were stuffed with chicken.  Wednesday was not so good.  I heated some chicken tender and just couldn't force them down.  I probably ate a half of one before the nausea just would let me swallow another bite.  Granted I went home and ate chicken broccoli rice.  Even got seconds.  I have found a market that makes take home meals and I have really like all of them.  Dinner is always better and I had beef stroganoff Monday and stuffed peppers on Tuesday.  Not sure about tonight, I might just eat a pb sandwich because I had the rest of the chicken broccoli for lunch and made a happy plate.  The people at work who think I have an eating disorder can suck it.

That being said, I was 89 pounds when I weighed this week.  I kind of cheated and weighed in the evening but I needed to see some progress.  I am not happy with how I look right now and how incredibly exhausted I am all the time but I really don't know what else I can do.

I will have to go back to the market and get some more for next week.  I have one philly steak pasta in the freezer that I need to take out for tomorrow and then I am out.  They normally have a special on Saturday.

Not sure what next week has in store.  I know I have to lead a training on Monday and get ready for another one the week after I get back from NYC.  I really hate doing webinars because there is no participation and I just feel like I am talking into a void.  

Surprise

Hey guys, remember me?

Well, things have started to calm down a little, I guess.  Things felt pretty intense, and I've had some things I needed to work on.  I’m not sure how to describe it or to make sense out of it.  My therapist, PCP, and rheumatologist have been working with me to see if there is anything medical that was making me feel like I was losing my mind. I had almost decided that I really was going crazy and was going to have to take a grippy sock vacation when my rheumatologist sent me a message that I had no detectable vitamin C and very low vitamin D.  According to the interwebs the combination can cause chronic infections, profound fatigue, muscle weakness, and mood disorders.  I think that having that piece of information has kind of helped me put things into perspective that maybe the deficiency is causing a lot of my spiral I have been stuck in.  When I went in to see the doctor, he was not very happy with me.  My weight is down to 87 but I am not hungry and would rather just sleep.  Lee, the PA told me that I am showing signs of malnutrition, and I really needed to start making myself eat more.  I think a lot of the trouble is just work and the incredible stress and feeling of complete worthlessness coming from the top down.  I get to work, and I just feel sick to my stomach the entire time.  He also said the ritilan and welbutrin are playing a big role in my lack of appetite and wants me to have my PCP change it to another type, something called remeron that has a side effect of increased appetite.  I go back to seeing the PCP in April.  However, he has never said anything about my weight loss so I don’t know what he will do.  

Work is forever the bane of my existence.  Since we had a planner transfer to a different branch, I have absorbed a lot of her duties, so I feel like I am forever trying to get ahold of everything.  One of my Lake Managers reached out to me for information about a new intern program we are going to try.  I made the mistake of running down the details for him and BOOM, new program added to my ever-growing list.  We have some rangers here doing some temp positions, but it is almost harder to show them how to jump in than doing it myself since I am learning a lot of new things.  It will work out.  Being extremely busy keeps me from dwelling on existential dread of having to work another 5+ years.  

Speaking of, I ran my information through ChatGPT and asked it to give me advice on what to do to be able to retire.  It told me to move my TSP into a lower risk fund because there probably won’t be that much of a gain but on the other hand a crash could prevent me from being able to make it work.  It said that I would be making about 60% of what I am making now, without taking money out for insurance. The entire thing scares me.  It did tell me that I was in better shape than most people my age.  I’m not going to lie, the thought of noping out of this place gives me great joy.  However, I do want to be able to travel and, ya know, eat and equally important, buy shoes so there is that.  

Our big ranger workshop was last week, and I think it went ok.  There was a lot of planning, and I was exhausted.  The biggest complaint we got was how hard the chairs were.  I’ll call that a win.  We are also scrambling to get some training programs in before they all go on swing and weekend schedules.  I feel like I am in PowerPoint hell.  My last two are next week and I will be so glad to get them over with.  At least the SCA program is with the managers so it will be easier to set up meetings and such what not.  I am looking forward to little summer slump.  

Life in general is just moving along.  HMF is halfway through radiation and is doing really well.  A turned 16 and has a car, that scares me.  She says he is a good driver.  Maybe he is maturing a little.  Maybe he just needed a little freedom and trust to prove he can be trusted.  I think HMF and I have been to three shows since the last time I wrote something.  Hadestown was amazing, Beauty and the Beast was ok, A Beautiful Noise (about Neil Diamond) was probably the best biopic I have seen.  I can’t say that I am a fan of his music, but it was hella fun.  They did an encore of Sweet Caroline at the end for everyone to sing along.  I didn’t think I would like it that much and if I didn’t have season tickets it is one I would not have bought tickets for.  Dennis surprised me with a trip to NYC in March.  My show is losing 8 of the OBC on March 15 and I told Dennis that I would really like to go to that show but with dynamic pricing there was no way I would drop that kind of money.  He asked me if I was comfortable going to NYC alone.  I told him yup, so he came home with an envelope and told me that should be enough for the show ticket and my flight.  I am flying on March 14^th and I hope to see Death Becomes Her, if I can’t get a digital rush ticket I will see what I can get.  Sunday, I see The Outsiders at 3 and Oh, Mary! at 6:30. My flight home leaves at mid-morning on Monday.  It will be a whirlwind trip, but it is exactly what I want and need right now.  I didn’t ask anyone to go with, one, because of the price of the ticket, and two, I don’t want to have to agree on what to do or what to see with someone else.  I think it will be a good trip.  I just hope the snow stops and the weather warms up a little in the next 2ish weeks.     

On the Dennis note, I am really surprised he didn’t walk out of his job over the last few weeks.  A part of his benefit package was free insurance.  I told him when he took the job that I wasn’t going to take him off my health insurance until we saw how his paid out.  He has way too many health issues to have to deal with high deductibles and seeing how it was free I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be great.  I kept asking him about the insurance and he said he hadn’t heard anything.  Almost 7 months later he finally called and checked on it and was told he was never enrolled.  Their CFO is their HR person, which is a choice.  They initially told him that they would pay back premiums and add him on to the existing insurance plan.  His boss told him that his paperwork and stuff was done correctly but it was an error on the clerical side.  Neither Habitat nor the insurance co. will own up to which one.  A few days after that he got called into the HR/CFO office along with his boss and told him that he was sol and that since he is on my insurance (which he had never mentioned to them) that they would add him in open enrollment in October.  She told him “An adult would have said something sooner”.  His boss just sat there and never said a word.  Although I agree he should have said something 6 months ago, her saying that is bullshit.  I told him that I think that since that was shown as a part of his benefit package when he signed on that they were obligated to provide insurance regardless.  Of course I’m not an attorney, nor do I play one on tv.  Later in the day his boss told him that he was surprised he didn’t walk out.  I told Dennis that it was probably when I would have gotten fired, but he held his cool.  The next day the HR lady called him in and he pretty much told her that with the way she spoke to him the day before he wouldn’t talk to her without a witness.  She called his boss who came in begrudgingly.  She told him that they had found him some kind of gap type insurance that is one of the worst plans I have ever seen.  Somewhere in the meeting Dennis told the lady that he was very upset with the way he was talked to the day before and that his boss had told him that he was shocked, he didn’t just walk out.  That created an issue that warmed my cold petty heart.  It still hasn’t been resolved.  He has spoken to the COO and Director but still hasn’t signed anything.  He finally told the COO to pay him what they would have paid the shitty insurance to use towards the premiums from my insurance, but I doubt that will happen.  It’s an entire mess.  So far, it’s the only major hiccup he has had but it’s a big one.

Saturday, we went to a benefit for a wildlife rehabilitation ranch.  It was a lot of fun.  The food was better than I anticipated.  It was interesting, I had no idea that Garth Brooks’ ex-wife was one of (maybe the only) founding investors.  It makes sense now how they have been able to buy a shit ton of land and build the sanctuary.  One of the main auction items was one of Garth’s letterman jackets.  We left before they had the live auction, so I have no idea how much that went for.  I would be interested in seeing how much it went for seeing as how the jean jacket signed the tour cast of the outsiders went for over $500 and they are completely unknown. 

Ok. Got to do laundry while I am feeling productive.

Ya’ll please don’t judge me  I really am trying but it is a struggle right now.  I am getting judged and criticized by just about everyone and my emotional state is not great  

 

I'm still around

 Yeah I had a little disappearing act.  Things were not great for me mentally and emotionally and I really couldn't process it.  I have been going to therapy weekly and have had my meds increased and I feel like I am out of my serious spiral but still not feeling like a normal person.

The holidays were fine.  I lost a close friend right before Thanksgiving.  He was one of the gate attendants that adopted me when I was a baby ranger and I stayed close to him and his family.  When I was sent to south Texas for the border fence they were doing the winter Texan thing and I spent a lot of time at their house.  His daughter brought him and her mom to my dad's funeral.  Henry and Pat are very special to me.  He was 93 and had started to show signs of dementia.  I visited him for a long time last year after he broke his back and was in a rehab hospital and he kept telling me the same story.  Pat had had a stroke and had slowed down a lot.  He was a character and there was a big turn out.  Luckily Dennis went with me to the service.  

That kind of set the tone for the holiday.  With both my dad and FIL passing away it is a hard time of the year at the best of situations.  The family drama is ongoing and draining.  

Both Dennis and I took off the two weeks of Christmas/New Year.  We didn't do too much but it was really nice to have a break from the office, which has been the major factor in my ongoing breakdown.  We did a few things but mostly just a lot of nothing and it was amazing.  It really put into perspective how much the bullshit going on and the treatment we have been getting as fed empolyees has almost become degenerative level that has made it difficult for me to even want to do my job.

When I went to my Mom's for Christmas, there was something seriously wrong with my dad's dog.  Her stomach was so distended that it couldn't have been comfortable for her.  She was having a hard time getting around.  KC hated being in the car and we were afraid she would have a heart attack if we tried to get her to the vet so I reached out to Dr. Susanne to get the name of a mobile vet that she trusted.  They were able to schedule her pretty quickly.

In the midst of all of that I got a call that Pat, the other half of the couple from above died.  It didn't realy surprise me, I couldn't imagine either one of them without the other.  The day of her funeral was the day the vet was coming to see KC, the appointment time was at the same time the services started. I would have liked to have been there but I needed to be at the service.  When I got back to the car from the cemetary, I called mom and the vet said that KC was in end stage heart failure.  Mom said that even her feet was swollen.  They made the decision it was wime to let her go.  The vet gave her the injection they give before the kill shot and she passed before she could give her the final drug.  Mom was a mess.  I ended up going to her house from the funeral and spent some time with her.  I feel like this is one more piece of my dad that I have lost.  

And because I feel like the angel of death I  got a call the next day that my friend that does my nails had taken her dog to the vet and she was told that he had cancer that started in his liver and had spread so much that they couldn't treat it. Bear and I had a special bond and Eberle wanted me to come over and tell him bye.  I made plans to go over Friday after work.  I got a call from my mom that KC was ready to pick up from the crematorium. It was on my way home so I went to pick her up before I went to see Bear for the last time.  I was in shock at how much he had declined in the short amount of time I had seem him last.  He reminded me a lot of how Hunter looked when he got sick, the sunken look to his skull.  You could tell he was in pain.  I stopped and got him a double bacon cheeseburger and sat around and cried uncontrollably for not the first time that week.  

It wasn't all terrible.  I found a front row ticket to the Outsiders (yes I have seen it 7 times) in St Louis.  I had planned on selling it for $$$ but with everything going on it never got listed.  I did get insurance on it and I told my mom and Dennis that I was going to turn the ticket in and stay home because I wasn't sure about leaving in the middle of everything.  Dennis talked me into just going.  it was a single ticket and he said he tought the time alone 400 miles away might do me some good.  I had lots of hotel and airline points so it was a pretty inexpensive trip.  I had the smart idea of taking public transportation from the airport and was told several times that I had made a serious mistake.  I did make friends with a homeless man named Bishop who offered to take me to my hotel to make sure I got there safetly.  Luckily he did not.  My flight was early so I dropped my backpack and went to a place called City Museum, which was a huge man made cave with slides and passages.   I went down a 5 story slide.  You can't cry while going down a giant slide.  

My room got upgraded to a suite so I chilled in the room, took a shower and got ready.  I went to dinner at the hotel bar/restaurant. I was sitting at the bar eatting my flatbread and drinking my blueberry lemondrop when 2 of the cast member from the show walked up to grab something from the bar.  I told them I was looking forward to seeing them soon but left them to fuck alone to eat their dinner.  

The show was the same as it always is, amazing.  I ugly cried at parts.  At the end of the show when Pony Boy gives out the book he gave it to me again.  I was in shock.  I know they see so many people that they can't remember who did what where but for some reason I didn't even think I would the book again.  I thnk I will give it to my older sister as part of her Christmas.  We are supposed to meet up before Hadestown Wednesday so I can give her the gifts I got her and I think she will be surprised.  

I have to make it through this week.  I have a dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon so I will take off early.  I can stick it out and next Monday is a holiday, I think I will take Tuesday off too.

Sorry for the long rambling post.  I have tried to write several posts and I end up just deleting them because I just feel so bad about trauma dumping.  So here it is.  I do feel like the medication is helping.  I still feel like crying 75% of the time but it's better than 99%.

still employed

Work has been rough lately, and not just the usual kind of rough. They said we’ve got enough carry-over funding to make it through the end of October, and then after that, we’re basically expected to keep showing up and working without pay until Congress gets its act together. We’ll supposedly get back pay “eventually,” but who even knows how that works when the guidance says only ten percent of the workforce is supposed to keep working during a shutdown.

I’ll be fine for a few months if it comes to that, but let’s be real, I don’t want to drag myself out of bed every morning for a job that might pay me “someday.” It’s hard to stay motivated when the air is so heavy with uncertainty. Everyone’s frustrated, but no one really wants to talk about it. I keep trying not to think too much about it because if I let myself dwell on it, the anxiety hits so hard it’s all I can feel. I’m doing what I have to do, but I’m not going above and beyond right now. The morale is already low enough without me working myself into the ground.

On top of that, I found out HMF has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She had her biopsy the day before I saw her, so she’s still waiting to find out what the treatment plan will look like. That one hit hard. Dennis’s mom is doing better, but she’s still wearing a patch over her left eye. I went grocery shopping for her a couple weekends ago, and honestly, I don’t think she’s been leaving the house except for doctor appointments.

This weekend is shaping up to be... something. Dennis’s oldest sister is coming into town for her class reunion, and his brother’s coming too. It drives me nuts that she can make it for a reunion but didn’t show up when their dad was in the hospital or even for his last Christmas. She managed to make it for the memorial service though, so there’s that. Maybe it’s just me, but I think being there while someone’s alive means more than showing up for the service after they’re gone. And don’t even get me started on the brother. I lost all respect for him over twenty years ago when their dad had his subdural hematoma. He had plenty of frequent flyer miles, didn’t have a job, but said his toddler had a cold, so he couldn’t come. I would’ve walked from Ohio if I’d had to.

Dennis said they’re wanting to do some kind of “family meeting” while everyone’s in town, but he has zero interest. I don’t blame him. He tried to do that right after his dad died so they could go over the will, but that turned into a disaster. He was the executor and just wanted to follow his dad’s wishes, but the rest of them wanted to argue about everything. Now, when it’s too late to change anything, they suddenly want to meet? I’m sure it’s about their mom’s health, but who knows. Either way, I won’t be around. I’ve got tickets to a comedy show with my sister that night. Perfect timing.

Last week was Outsiders week, and honestly, it was the bright spot I desperately needed. The show opened Tuesday even though the official opening was Wednesday, and I managed to snag front-row pit tickets during presale when I was in North Carolina. I got them as a birthday gift for HMF. We were so excited, it felt like being kids again. We did our usual pre-show ritual: hit happy hour across the street, demolished some chicken fajita nachos and fries (seriously the best fries ever), and soaked up the buzz.

The show was absolutely spectacular. The touring cast is so young, which makes the story hit differently. Honestly, I think I liked it better than the Broadway version, except for the guy who played Dally in New York because good grief, that man was unfairly good-looking, and he was in his thirties, so I don’t even feel bad saying that. The special effects were just like Broadway too, rubber gravel, fake blood, and rain. We got pelted with gravel but thankfully didn’t get soaked.

And then, during the last song, the actor who plays Ponyboy gave a signed copy of The Outsiders to someone in the audience, and that someone was me. Me! I felt like a total teenage fangirl. HMF and I had joked before that if they gave one out, we’d give it to a kid, but when I told her I might give it to the fifteen-year-old girl sitting next to us, she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Don’t you dare.”

The next night, my sister had tickets for the official opening, so I met up with her and her friends for dinner before the show. They had a red-carpet event since it was the official North American kickoff, and I tried to stay out of sight because the teenage actor playing Ponyboy was there, and I didn’t want him to think I was stalking him after being front row the night before.

I took Dennis on Saturday, and he actually liked it more than he expected to. He’s even brought it up a few times since, which for him means he really liked it. On Sunday we went again, our first show in our new regular season seats, and we picked great ones.

That night was the Stay Gold Gala for the Outsiders House Museum. I wore a dress that was so tight I hadn’t eaten all day, so I was thrilled when I saw the amount of food they had. Pretty sure it saved me from passing out from hunger and shapewear compression. We got there early enough to do photos and meet people without waiting in line. HMF talked me into bringing the signed book to try to get a few more autographs. I’m not big on autographs, but I was hoping S. E. Hinton would sign it. She didn’t, but that’s okay. I did get a few of the cast members, including two of the three Curtis brothers. Ponyboy was on vocal rest, so he typed what he wanted to say on his phone. HMF told him he should learn sign language, and it turns out the actor who plays Soda’s mom is a speech pathologist. They’d even had silent dinners where they only used sign language. It was one of those random, funny conversations that sticks with you.

I told them about how when HMF gets overly pissed the sign language comes out, that we went to Silver Dollar City after a half marathon, completely unaware it was middle school choir day. It was pure chaos, screaming kids everywhere, lines a mile long, and zero personal space. At one point, a group of middle school boys started pushing and crowding us in line, and HMF absolutely went off, both verbally and in sign language, telling them to back off. She had those kids stepping back like they’d just seen their lives flash before their eyes. When I mentioned Silver Dollar City little Ponyboy’s whole face lit up. He started gesturing like crazy about how much he loves that place and gave me this half-giddy fist bump that made me laugh out loud.  HMF said it couldn’t have been his class because he was probably a toddler. 

HMF and me with the Curtis Bros

Pony Boy

The motorcycle cop from the movie

Jamestown Revival played a few songs, including two from the show and of course “Stay Gold.” Their harmonies are unreal. I ended the night by winning a silent auction for an original movie poster with the Robert Frost poem written by C. Thomas Howell. I even met the guy who played the motorcycle cop in the movie and ended up chatting with him for a long time. It was such a good night.

Monday was a holiday, and I’d planned to get my nails done, but my friend was sick, so instead I made a rash decision and went to a tattoo shop. I got something small to commemorate the whole experience.

And now I’m back in my pit of despair. Reality hit hard after such a great week. But even with all the mess swirling around right now, I’m hanging on to that little burst of joy because it reminded me what it feels like to actually be happy again, and that counts for something.