Surprise

Hey guys, remember me?

Well, things have started to calm down a little, I guess.  Things felt pretty intense, and I've had some things I needed to work on.  I’m not sure how to describe it or to make sense out of it.  My therapist, PCP, and rheumatologist have been working with me to see if there is anything medical that was making me feel like I was losing my mind. I had almost decided that I really was going crazy and was going to have to take a grippy sock vacation when my rheumatologist sent me a message that I had no detectable vitamin C and very low vitamin D.  According to the interwebs the combination can cause chronic infections, profound fatigue, muscle weakness, and mood disorders.  I think that having that piece of information has kind of helped me put things into perspective that maybe the deficiency is causing a lot of my spiral I have been stuck in.  When I went in to see the doctor, he was not very happy with me.  My weight is down to 87 but I am not hungry and would rather just sleep.  Lee, the PA told me that I am showing signs of malnutrition, and I really needed to start making myself eat more.  I think a lot of the trouble is just work and the incredible stress and feeling of complete worthlessness coming from the top down.  I get to work, and I just feel sick to my stomach the entire time.  He also said the ritilan and welbutrin are playing a big role in my lack of appetite and wants me to have my PCP change it to another type, something called remeron that has a side effect of increased appetite.  I go back to seeing the PCP in April.  However, he has never said anything about my weight loss so I don’t know what he will do.  

Work is forever the bane of my existence.  Since we had a planner transfer to a different branch, I have absorbed a lot of her duties, so I feel like I am forever trying to get ahold of everything.  One of my Lake Managers reached out to me for information about a new intern program we are going to try.  I made the mistake of running down the details for him and BOOM, new program added to my ever-growing list.  We have some rangers here doing some temp positions, but it is almost harder to show them how to jump in than doing it myself since I am learning a lot of new things.  It will work out.  Being extremely busy keeps me from dwelling on existential dread of having to work another 5+ years.  

Speaking of, I ran my information through ChatGPT and asked it to give me advice on what to do to be able to retire.  It told me to move my TSP into a lower risk fund because there probably won’t be that much of a gain but on the other hand a crash could prevent me from being able to make it work.  It said that I would be making about 60% of what I am making now, without taking money out for insurance. The entire thing scares me.  It did tell me that I was in better shape than most people my age.  I’m not going to lie, the thought of noping out of this place gives me great joy.  However, I do want to be able to travel and, ya know, eat and equally important, buy shoes so there is that.  

Our big ranger workshop was last week, and I think it went ok.  There was a lot of planning, and I was exhausted.  The biggest complaint we got was how hard the chairs were.  I’ll call that a win.  We are also scrambling to get some training programs in before they all go on swing and weekend schedules.  I feel like I am in PowerPoint hell.  My last two are next week and I will be so glad to get them over with.  At least the SCA program is with the managers so it will be easier to set up meetings and such what not.  I am looking forward to little summer slump.  

Life in general is just moving along.  HMF is halfway through radiation and is doing really well.  A turned 16 and has a car, that scares me.  She says he is a good driver.  Maybe he is maturing a little.  Maybe he just needed a little freedom and trust to prove he can be trusted.  I think HMF and I have been to three shows since the last time I wrote something.  Hadestown was amazing, Beauty and the Beast was ok, A Beautiful Noise (about Neil Diamond) was probably the best biopic I have seen.  I can’t say that I am a fan of his music, but it was hella fun.  They did an encore of Sweet Caroline at the end for everyone to sing along.  I didn’t think I would like it that much and if I didn’t have season tickets it is one I would not have bought tickets for.  Dennis surprised me with a trip to NYC in March.  My show is losing 8 of the OBC on March 15 and I told Dennis that I would really like to go to that show but with dynamic pricing there was no way I would drop that kind of money.  He asked me if I was comfortable going to NYC alone.  I told him yup, so he came home with an envelope and told me that should be enough for the show ticket and my flight.  I am flying on March 14^th and I hope to see Death Becomes Her, if I can’t get a digital rush ticket I will see what I can get.  Sunday, I see The Outsiders at 3 and Oh, Mary! at 6:30. My flight home leaves at mid-morning on Monday.  It will be a whirlwind trip, but it is exactly what I want and need right now.  I didn’t ask anyone to go with, one, because of the price of the ticket, and two, I don’t want to have to agree on what to do or what to see with someone else.  I think it will be a good trip.  I just hope the snow stops and the weather warms up a little in the next 2ish weeks.     

On the Dennis note, I am really surprised he didn’t walk out of his job over the last few weeks.  A part of his benefit package was free insurance.  I told him when he took the job that I wasn’t going to take him off my health insurance until we saw how his paid out.  He has way too many health issues to have to deal with high deductibles and seeing how it was free I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be great.  I kept asking him about the insurance and he said he hadn’t heard anything.  Almost 7 months later he finally called and checked on it and was told he was never enrolled.  Their CFO is their HR person, which is a choice.  They initially told him that they would pay back premiums and add him on to the existing insurance plan.  His boss told him that his paperwork and stuff was done correctly but it was an error on the clerical side.  Neither Habitat nor the insurance co. will own up to which one.  A few days after that he got called into the HR/CFO office along with his boss and told him that he was sol and that since he is on my insurance (which he had never mentioned to them) that they would add him in open enrollment in October.  She told him “An adult would have said something sooner”.  His boss just sat there and never said a word.  Although I agree he should have said something 6 months ago, her saying that is bullshit.  I told him that I think that since that was shown as a part of his benefit package when he signed on that they were obligated to provide insurance regardless.  Of course I’m not an attorney, nor do I play one on tv.  Later in the day his boss told him that he was surprised he didn’t walk out.  I told Dennis that it was probably when I would have gotten fired, but he held his cool.  The next day the HR lady called him in and he pretty much told her that with the way she spoke to him the day before he wouldn’t talk to her without a witness.  She called his boss who came in begrudgingly.  She told him that they had found him some kind of gap type insurance that is one of the worst plans I have ever seen.  Somewhere in the meeting Dennis told the lady that he was very upset with the way he was talked to the day before and that his boss had told him that he was shocked, he didn’t just walk out.  That created an issue that warmed my cold petty heart.  It still hasn’t been resolved.  He has spoken to the COO and Director but still hasn’t signed anything.  He finally told the COO to pay him what they would have paid the shitty insurance to use towards the premiums from my insurance, but I doubt that will happen.  It’s an entire mess.  So far, it’s the only major hiccup he has had but it’s a big one.

Saturday, we went to a benefit for a wildlife rehabilitation ranch.  It was a lot of fun.  The food was better than I anticipated.  It was interesting, I had no idea that Garth Brooks’ ex-wife was one of (maybe the only) founding investors.  It makes sense now how they have been able to buy a shit ton of land and build the sanctuary.  One of the main auction items was one of Garth’s letterman jackets.  We left before they had the live auction, so I have no idea how much that went for.  I would be interested in seeing how much it went for seeing as how the jean jacket signed the tour cast of the outsiders went for over $500 and they are completely unknown. 

Ok. Got to do laundry while I am feeling productive.

Ya’ll please don’t judge me  I really am trying but it is a struggle right now.  I am getting judged and criticized by just about everyone and my emotional state is not great