My ADD is out of control this week.  I have a list of the things I HAVE to get done this week but I just can't seem to get my focus together.  I just feel that low frequency hum in my brain if that makes any sense.  I did take a beta blocker in hopes that maybe at least it might help kind of calm me down a little so my what focus I do have isn't internal.  

My mom is doing better.  We went to a satellite location in the burbs and it was so much better than going to the main.  If they thought it was an actual stroke I am sure they would have sent her to the main hospital but I really didn't think it was that serious based off of the FAST protocol.  They did the CT and contrast CT. and decided it was a lingering ear infection and referred her to an ENT.  She actually got in to see the PA on Tuesday.  She had some was build up that they took care of and said that her, as she puts it, a dizzy headed problem was from the first stroke she had a few years ago and that she needed PT.  We were in and out of the hospital in less than 5 hours.  If we had gone to the main hospital we would have still been waiting in the waiting room.  I used that to get out of going over to her house on Saturday.

I had a meeting with the local DVIS (domestic violence intervention service) yesterday to see about volunteering as an SA hospital advocate.  The meeting was at 1:30 and I didn't get out of there until almost 3.  It was a pretty good meeting in that I wasn't stressed or nervous at all.  The lady I spoke to seemed pretty excited to have me there.  Their volunteer crew is very slim post 'Rona so they are really trying to ramp back up.  She asked me if I would be interested in being on the facilitator team and possibly the speakers board.  I told her I would consider it based on what they provided since I am definitely not  a professional.  I would be working more on the SA side and less on the DV side, which is what I wanted.  Even though I did the Army training there is still mandatory training through the AGs office, which I had figured.  However, the CE credits from NOVA should carry over and I won't have to do a lot of double dipping for CE credits.  I did get my certification approved and for $40 you can register to the civilian side as well as the military so I will be doing that.  I have the email but I haven't received anything in the mail yet.  At least I am not concerned there will be a fluke hit on a background check since I cleared the other one.  Unfortunately they still have to run all of that again, but again, I expected that.   I did tell them I would donate back the money it cost to run the check.  

I don't remember if I mentioned my friend L's issues with her in-laws last week.  Her husband's sister stole almost $200K from their mom in less than 6 months and some very diligent bank worker noticed it and turned it in.  The sister, her common law husband and their 19 year old son all went to jail.  The in-laws live here and my friend lives in the DFW area so they really didn't know it was going on.  A neighbor called them and told them the police were there and they called around and found out.  It is a huge mess.  The mom has 3 houses, the one her, the sister, and her 13 year old daughter stayed in, a house across the street that the sister and her daughter had been living in until the mom had a stroke and needed full time care, and the grandmother's house that the 19 year old son was living in.  They are all shit holes.  The house they were living in is not really habitable.  The mom slept in a recliner and the other two slept on air mattresses in what was the dining room and den.  The ceiling in the bedrooms was falling in and the floor was falling in on the bathroom.  I am not sure how they think they are going to use the defense that they used the money to take care of the mom when the house was in that kind of shape.  Anyway, my friend has two boys, one that will start college in the fall and another that will be 16 soon.  Most of my friends had kids later in life so she is my age and was ready to get them out of the house and take a job with a non-profit or something and live the good life.  Well the 13 year old girl had no one to take her so they came in to talk to an attorney about guardianship and getting her moved to TX.  The girl didn't want to go, L didn't want to take her and it was chaos.  L ended up calling me Monday night as I was on my way to dance in full on panic attack mode.  I met up with her and we talked until about midnight.  I told her that giving custody of the kid to the state wan not something to be ashamed of and if that was the decision she went that was fine, her and her family needs to come first.  She told me that while I was on my way the sister called from jail and her husband was talking to her.  The kid was at a friends house and L said she just unleashed on her about how she had ruined everyone's lives and pretty much everything she thought about her and the situation.  She wasn't on the phone with her but her husband said that instead of taking an ounce of ownership she just said that she was innocent and that L was being a bitch about it.  Whatever she said lit a fire under sister and she used what little resources she had left to find other arrangements for the daughter to 'punish' them.  When L found out she was so elated.  The situation sucks.  I know it isn't the kids fault but it isn't L's fault either and they have a 3 bedroom house with no room for another kid and the youngest boy was legit scared of what the sister might do to terrorize them while she was in jail and what would happen when she got out.  The mother is being moved into a nursing home in DFW where they can watch out for her.  I can't even imagine how stressed she was.  

OK I really have to get something done.  I am going to be in a meeting in Branson MO next week with BFF Brooke so I know I won't be working in my room after hours.  If I can get the top three items off of my to do list this week I will be happy.  Wish me luck. 

Nothing goes as planned

 Sitting in the ER with my mom.  She was really dizzy and said she almost fell a few times, so I took her just to be safe.  I thought I was going to have to throw hands with the nurse.  They were trying to place the IV and my mom has tiny veins.  As they were digging she said ouch and the nurse said “that isn’t helping us”. She did it twice so I told them to get someone else because them telling her she isn’t helping is making it works.  They said well you tense up when you do that.  Like she isn’t tensing up anyway.  I don’t think the nurse particularly cared for that but god damn.

I was supposed to get my hair done but I guess that isn’t happening.  Now I can’t get in until May 10.  I will have to go in and have the extensions either taken out or moved up.  I was really looking forward to hair love.  

Last night I went to the ballet with my sister.  Tchaikovsky, the man behind the music.  It was really good.  I didn’t know anything about his life but apparently he was gay and in love with a violinist but couldn’t act on it.  Some ballets are just so abstract that you don’t know what the point is behind the movements but this story was done so beautifully and purposefully.  

Monday through Wednesday afternoon was our annual ranger workshop.  It was my first time to have to coordinate it and I think it went well.  They put us in a lodge in a state park about 30 minutes from the closest place to eat.  I had the ‘brilliant’ idea of buying stuff for a cookout and making the bosses grill.  I will never do that again.  We had close to 95 people and I charged them $6 each to reimburse me for the food I bought.  I was a nervous wreck trying to coordinate the workshop and the food.  It was cold and rainy so that didn’t help, but they found a dry spot to cook and we had plenty of room to set up and eat.  After hours they set up some corn hole boards and had a tournament.  As much as I hated being so remote, we had no choice but to socialize or sit in your room for the most part. I found out pretty fast that I can no longer hang with the 25 year olds.  They got pretty tanked Monday and Tuesday.  I made it until midnight before I had to retire to my room.  The beds were horrible and the blankets were so thin I really wanted to just go home.  But, it was good to hangout with the rangers and get to know them better.  I remember the days when I would have been right in the middle of it.  I had one vodka and sprite and decided I am too old for that.  We also had pepper spray training where they sprayed some of the new rangers to be able to carry it.  Part of that is them getting sprayed.  It was kinda brutal to watch. I thought they were going to have to get EMS for one but she ended up recovering, but it took her awhile.  

OK, the doctor is here so I guess I better pay attention.

Back to the old blogger

 Well, looks like blogger is the best blogging option for me.  Wordpress requires a download and that means I couldn't use my work computer when I am out of town.  I don't want to have to deal with that so, here we are.

Weight this morning was 114.  That is 2 pounds from the goal I set back in 2008.  I am really not trying to lose at this point but stress and so forth are doing it's thing.  I really need to find a new therapist.  My old one was a very Mr. Rodgers kind of guy and I don't need that kind of coddling at this point.  Why is it so hard to find someone.  I look at the websites and if there isn't a picture I judge, if there is a picture I try to envision myself talking to them for hours and nope out on that.  

Work is better.  I had a little breakdown a few weeks ago and pretty much told AP (almost) everything I thought about her.  I went off on her lack of sympathy with FIL's passing and her general lack of empathy on the fact that I am diagnosed ADD and don't see things the same way that she does. The thing that had the most impact was telling her she was not a supervisor.  She tried to tell me that she had some of the duties delegated and I let her know that is one duty that you can't delegate.  You can give her the ability to review travel, leave requests, time management, but she CANNOT supervise anyone unless they rewrite her job description and it would have to be advertised.  We ended up talking for an hour and a half and I walked out of there like a boulder had been lifted.  Since then she has become my new bff 🙄   She has approved several things that I have requested, including a few training/conference trips.  I know she would have turned down the victim advocacy conference in August before we had that talk.  It is in NOLA in August.  I am not sure who would ever choose to go there in swamp season but they see that as a luxury destination so most requests for NOLA are denied.  I am also getting a portable external monitor and privacy screens for my desk.  It is kind of odd.  

Next week I have a workshop for the ranger's that I am coordinating.  I am so ready for it to be over.  Between that and another project I have been working on I haven't had much of a break.  I have kind of enjoyed being busy.  I kind of miss the chaos I had when I worked in RE, being so busy I didn't have time to think.  It really keeps me focused and I kind of thrive on deadlines.

My mom adopted another dog.  

His name is Gusty and he is pretty much just a 2 pound ball of fluff.  He does nothing but lay there.  I am not a small dog person so a 2 pound dog is pretty much useless to me.  But, he makes my mom happy and she really seems to be so wrapped up in him that she doesn't call me like she used to and has opted to stay home last Saturday instead of going out.  She found the dog through a lady my sister knows that does chihuahua rescue who feeds her full of bullshit.  She once tried to debate me that chihuahuas were one of the top euthanized dog breed at shelters.  I don't know why I even try.  My mom was told this dog is 2.  Again the dog is pretty useless and doesn't act like a puppy so I asked my vet friend to see him.  Sure enough, the dog is between 8-10.  The lady didn't have him neutered because he was "too small" and they didn't update his rabies booster because "they don't dose based on weight and he would get the same dose as a lab".  Dr. S rolled her eyes so hard I think she saw her ancestors.  The dogs teeth are rotten, he has an enlarged prostate, age related issues with his eyes, and very elevated protein values in his kidneys.  My mom called to tell my sister this and my sister responded with "she wouldn't trust that vet".  I mean....really?  My mom knows the truth and we are trying to get his kidney values down so we can do the dental and get him neutered.  My sister needs a throat punch.

My kids are doing great.  The tattoo I got of the cats is amazing and I can't stop looking at it.  I am so impressed with her work.  I am also addicted to it now and am trying to come up with something to put on my ribs.

The canines are spoiled as ever

Went to see Hamilton (3rd time) on Sunday with HMF

It wasn't the best performance I've seen, but it's hard to beat the Chicago show.  One of my college roommates wanted to go and couldn't find anyone to go with so I am going with her on Saturday to see it again.  I have kind of decided I just need to bite the bullet and so see it on Broadway.  I have never been to NYC, have no sense of direction and the thought of going alone scares me so I probably need to do it.  I have enough Hilton points that I could pay for 3 nights.  Tickets are comparable to  what they cost here.  Something I am seriously contemplating.  

OK, I need to get busy.  RIP CK, you suck.

Meh

I have really fallen out of the blogging habit.  I don't particularly like blogger, there are some blogs I try to comment on (Patti) and I don't think the comments are coming through.  Plus the pictures only show up half the time.  It just seems like a real pain.

There is really nothing going on.  I guess that is a good thing.  My weight is holding at around 115.  Exercise isn't great but it is happening every now and again.  If I can make it through this heat wave I think I will get a little bit of the running mojo back.  I don't know why I signed up for the stupid half.  I am somewhat regretting that.  The weather did cool off a lot yesterday and I got 3 miles in if you count the walk with Bailey.  I did drills and ran the last .25 in a 13:09 pace.  I was very pleased with that.  Last week was a recovery week so I did 2.6 miles at a 15:45.  The temperature was fine, mid 70's but with 95% humidity.  I got home right as it started to pour rain.  This weeks 6 miler has me a little concerned but I will walk it if I have to.  I don't hold out much hope for this half being a stellar run.  I just hope we have fun.  In other news, HMF just started training so at least we are on even ground when it comes to endurance.  She has ran one mile everyday this week following the LRM training schedule (I need to look that up).  I had to take Mr. Bailey to the vet yesterday, more on that below, and saw Dr. Suzanne (no sure what I used to call her in the CK blog) and she hadn't started training yet.  She was, however, in running clothes so I told her that counted for something.  She is signed up for Route 66 in November.  I am kind of tempted to sign up with her and suffer through but I don't really know if I want to do that to myself.  I am hoping that the weather gets cooler and running gets a little easier.  We shall see.

Yesterday was a telework day so I got up early to run before I started working and saw that Bailey's eye was in pretty bad shape.  He has been suffering from allergies for awhile but with his issues I have put off going to the vet.  I had no choice yesterday.  I took him on a short walk and at one point he shook his head and goop came out of his eye like snot 😟

My poor little man

I sent Suzanne a text asking her if she was working and she said no but she had to go in at noon to check on a patient so we could meet her up there.  My thinking was going to see her instead of going to our normal vet would kind of confuse Bailey and maybe keep him from having a full on anxiety attack.  It kind of worked.  He did fine in the waiting room, walked around sniffing getting on the scale for a treat - this was something we learned in puppy kindergarten and was for the most part fine.  When we went back to the room he started to get a little worried.  When the tech came in he was full on shaking.  She took him back with a little protest but he did go back with her.  Suzanne said once he was back there he was obviously scared but he let her do what she needed to do and even let her give him a kiss on the nose.  There was lots of growing once he got back to the room but that was to be expected.  He didn't snap at anyone and let Suzanne come around the exam table and took a treat (didn't eat it yet) that she dropped.  Anyway, he has the equivalent of puppy pink eye.  It isn't contagious so he is at daycare today with the instructions to  call me if he starts acting like he doesn't want to play.  He needs his eye drop every 8 hours so they will give him one around 1:30 so we can keep him on schedule.  I will call them in an hour or so since the regular girl wasn't at the desk and they were kind of busy.  His buddy Pepper came in and they were ready to play.  He was acting tired last night but I think it was more the stress than they eye infection.

Work is going to get interesting again.  They filled the lead position over my job with the one person everyone dislikes.  She is a controlling micromanager and that just isn't a good fit for the job.  I am almost having flashbacks of T-Rex.  The one good thing is that she isn't a supervisor.  I worry that the guy that I work with closer with than any of the other planners is going to leave because of it.  That will be bad for me and the district.  He sent an email to the bosses and told them that if she got the job he was going to start looking for other jobs.  I told him that was probably the kiss of death 😬 things like that never turn out the way you want them to.  Sure enough.  I almost put in for a job in contracting but I decided to give her a chance.  I will be eligible to retire in 9 years and 2 months.  I hope I will be able to afford it.

too freaking hot

Not much going on.  It is so hot outside that the running groups have all cancelled the group runs, not that I would participate.  It seems life has been hectic yet I can't think of much I have done lately.  My trainer is on vacation and I haven't gone to the gym once since she has been gone.  I have ran a little but it gets so hot so fast that I barely make it a mile before I am just done.  At least my weight is holding.

I broke down and took Bailey to a behaviorist over his increasing possessiveness o me.  I thought it went well until we were leaving and he jumped up and nipped her on the arm.  I'm not sure what to think about it.  I am almost convenience he just doesn't like going places all the time.  The behaviorist gave me a lot of information but I literally forgot everything she said after he acted out.  She was fine and just brushed it off, it wasn't a serious bite, just a back off my mom warning but still.  He does fine at daycare so he is still getting a little socialization. 

those eyes kill me 

his buddy Charlie at his birthday party

daycare pictures

new chew bone

I miss my old blog friends

I really miss reading the blogs of my old CK buddies.  My account expired but I am tempted to renew it just so I can go back in and copy my old journal.  I also know that is the only way I will be able to keep in touch with Jay since he doesn't do facebook.  Sometimes change makes me sad. 

Everything hurts this morning.  I got up and ran my drills, which was just about 2 miles.  It is hard on Tuesday mornings because I have to be back home and ready to work at 7 and I have to take Mr. Personality Bailey for a short walk or I will hear about it the rest of the day.  All of my 1/4 mile drills were right at 14 mm.  JG wants each quarter mile to be around 3:45 and I pretty much met that.  It doesn't help that it is surface of the sun hot. 

After work I did 30 minutes at the gym. 

45 seconds X 3
squat press (20)
mountain climbers on bosu
overhead carry. (20)

45 seconds X 2
single leg glute bridge
side plank hip raise each side.

I was drenched in sweat and glad I was just doing 30 minutes.

I am trying to get my days switched around though because 1. the girl that works out with me on Tuesdays is a freaking machine and I am holding her back 2. the stupid firefighter training Dennis goes to each week was switched to Tuesday from Wednesday and it just makes it difficult.  We workout at 5:30 so I have to leave at 5, Dennis doesn't get off work until 5, if he's lucky, and has to drive 30 + minutes.  Bailey and Marcy don't get along but for the most part she just ignores him.  They eat everyday at 6 and of course I would be at the gym at that time and Dennis would be rushed to get them fed and out the door.  You can't leave food down as that is a huge trigger for the dogs.  Since I telework that day we don't have the advantage of having a tired Bailey.  So it would be easier to just change days.  Next week we are switching it to Monday because I have a doctor appointment and Bailey has his behaviorist appointment.  The trainer is going to Europe for two weeks and will be out after next Tuesday.  I need to make sure and keep myself accountable for workouts even in her absence.

Kind of concerned about the doctor appointment.  I have lost a little more weight since the last time I was in and I think she may not renew my prescription for Sax.  I am on a low dose now and I have all kinds of fears the weight will come back when I stop taking it.  I am thinking about not taking the meds until after I see her so maybe I will have more of an appetite?  I know that sounds like some serious disordered eating.  I was going to add a but to that but it is what it is.  I don't care if I lose more weight, I just don't want to gain.  I would go so far as to say I like how I look but the lovely roll of skin from the years of extreme gain/loss/gain is disgusting.  I don't think it is in the cards go get it removed, just too expensive and painful.  At any rate, I weighed in at 116.6 this morning.

Tonight I am not going to do anything but watch the last few episodes of Mindhunter in preparation for the new season. 

struggle bus

Even though my weight is down to 115.4 workouts seem harder than they were 10 pounds ago!!  Last night's torture included

4X
10 assisted pull ups
15 cable rows (2 at 15 2 at 12.5)

3X 30 seconds
bicep curls with red band
tri pull downs with green band over trx bar

3X 30 second
rope pull
lower bicep curl (bar to bellybutton)

2X 30 second
Alternating toe reach
bicycle

I normally don't have a lot of pain with abs but this one about killed me.

In addition, the running portion of my workout routine has been equally horrific.  I did 4 miles two Saturday's ago and considered ubering back to my car at the half way point.  I ended up walking the last 1.5 miles.  Last weekend I was supposed to do 2 but it was closer to 1.5 and I walked the entire time with Bailey.  I was exhausted from the trip to Dallas and I just couldn't muster the will or the energy.  This weekend is 5 miles and I really just want to quit already.  Luckily the half marathon isn't until March but I just hate every minute of it.  The weather is supposed to be better this weekend but I still think I am going to opt for the treadmill.  JG told me to aim for walking 3.2 and the "running" portions 3.8.  I normally would do 4.2 but with as bad as it has been going he is right...that's what I pay him for.

So last week was interesting.  I had fun hanging out with my friend and I learned a lot but I kind of wish we had only volunteered one day and spent one day at the conference.  I have a renewed energy to get involved in rescue again and even went to my therapist and talked to him about it.  I learned that in the Dallas area there are 5 times as many stray cats as dogs, which is pretty typical.  A lot of shelters will no  longer take in cats (I am sure this is limited to "feral" but I didn't get a chance to ask a lot of questions) and opt for TNR.  I think this is what I want to focus on.  I did inquire with the SPCA about volunteering again but I think I will try and volunteer with the local TNR group.  The SPCA has already responded, the TNR group has not.  I have a lot of baggage when it comes to rescue groups and none of it is from the animals.  People are assholes and I have to go in with that mindset.  I also do not want to go all in and get involved with the committees and board, I just want to put in my time and go home.  I found out about a reserve medical corps that coordinates with shelters and rescues in emergencies that I have signed up for.  That is what I am most interested in tbh but with my job it is difficult to gauge what my involvement could be.  I talked to someone yesterday and they have started the required back ground checks.  There is training through Best Friends for emergency operations in two weeks but they ask for a 2 week commitment.  I know there will be training through OKMRC and I hope that I can maybe get into some of this through them.

There is lots more I could say about the conference but it is still kind of hard to wrap my mind around.  The best thing, when I first started in rescue almost 20 years ago they were estimating about 8 million animals were killed only because they didn't have a home, it is now less than one million.  The goal is no kill by 2025.  If I hadn't seen this data I would have never thought it possible. 

OK, what else...

I have an appointment set up for Bailey with a behaviorist because he is becoming overly protective of me in public places.  I have to get that under control or he will have to stop going places with me. If you know me you now I need a sidekick and there aren't many Hunter and Cookie's in this world. Those two spoiled me with how awesome they were. 

Have I posted since Bailey's birthday party?