Surprise

Hey guys, remember me?

Well, things have started to calm down a little, I guess.  Things felt pretty intense, and I've had some things I needed to work on.  I’m not sure how to describe it or to make sense out of it.  My therapist, PCP, and rheumatologist have been working with me to see if there is anything medical that was making me feel like I was losing my mind. I had almost decided that I really was going crazy and was going to have to take a grippy sock vacation when my rheumatologist sent me a message that I had no detectable vitamin C and very low vitamin D.  According to the interwebs the combination can cause chronic infections, profound fatigue, muscle weakness, and mood disorders.  I think that having that piece of information has kind of helped me put things into perspective that maybe the deficiency is causing a lot of my spiral I have been stuck in.  When I went in to see the doctor, he was not very happy with me.  My weight is down to 87 but I am not hungry and would rather just sleep.  Lee, the PA told me that I am showing signs of malnutrition, and I really needed to start making myself eat more.  I think a lot of the trouble is just work and the incredible stress and feeling of complete worthlessness coming from the top down.  I get to work, and I just feel sick to my stomach the entire time.  He also said the ritilan and welbutrin are playing a big role in my lack of appetite and wants me to have my PCP change it to another type, something called remeron that has a side effect of increased appetite.  I go back to seeing the PCP in April.  However, he has never said anything about my weight loss so I don’t know what he will do.  

Work is forever the bane of my existence.  Since we had a planner transfer to a different branch, I have absorbed a lot of her duties, so I feel like I am forever trying to get ahold of everything.  One of my Lake Managers reached out to me for information about a new intern program we are going to try.  I made the mistake of running down the details for him and BOOM, new program added to my ever-growing list.  We have some rangers here doing some temp positions, but it is almost harder to show them how to jump in than doing it myself since I am learning a lot of new things.  It will work out.  Being extremely busy keeps me from dwelling on existential dread of having to work another 5+ years.  

Speaking of, I ran my information through ChatGPT and asked it to give me advice on what to do to be able to retire.  It told me to move my TSP into a lower risk fund because there probably won’t be that much of a gain but on the other hand a crash could prevent me from being able to make it work.  It said that I would be making about 60% of what I am making now, without taking money out for insurance. The entire thing scares me.  It did tell me that I was in better shape than most people my age.  I’m not going to lie, the thought of noping out of this place gives me great joy.  However, I do want to be able to travel and, ya know, eat and equally important, buy shoes so there is that.  

Our big ranger workshop was last week, and I think it went ok.  There was a lot of planning, and I was exhausted.  The biggest complaint we got was how hard the chairs were.  I’ll call that a win.  We are also scrambling to get some training programs in before they all go on swing and weekend schedules.  I feel like I am in PowerPoint hell.  My last two are next week and I will be so glad to get them over with.  At least the SCA program is with the managers so it will be easier to set up meetings and such what not.  I am looking forward to little summer slump.  

Life in general is just moving along.  HMF is halfway through radiation and is doing really well.  A turned 16 and has a car, that scares me.  She says he is a good driver.  Maybe he is maturing a little.  Maybe he just needed a little freedom and trust to prove he can be trusted.  I think HMF and I have been to three shows since the last time I wrote something.  Hadestown was amazing, Beauty and the Beast was ok, A Beautiful Noise (about Neil Diamond) was probably the best biopic I have seen.  I can’t say that I am a fan of his music, but it was hella fun.  They did an encore of Sweet Caroline at the end for everyone to sing along.  I didn’t think I would like it that much and if I didn’t have season tickets it is one I would not have bought tickets for.  Dennis surprised me with a trip to NYC in March.  My show is losing 8 of the OBC on March 15 and I told Dennis that I would really like to go to that show but with dynamic pricing there was no way I would drop that kind of money.  He asked me if I was comfortable going to NYC alone.  I told him yup, so he came home with an envelope and told me that should be enough for the show ticket and my flight.  I am flying on March 14^th and I hope to see Death Becomes Her, if I can’t get a digital rush ticket I will see what I can get.  Sunday, I see The Outsiders at 3 and Oh, Mary! at 6:30. My flight home leaves at mid-morning on Monday.  It will be a whirlwind trip, but it is exactly what I want and need right now.  I didn’t ask anyone to go with, one, because of the price of the ticket, and two, I don’t want to have to agree on what to do or what to see with someone else.  I think it will be a good trip.  I just hope the snow stops and the weather warms up a little in the next 2ish weeks.     

On the Dennis note, I am really surprised he didn’t walk out of his job over the last few weeks.  A part of his benefit package was free insurance.  I told him when he took the job that I wasn’t going to take him off my health insurance until we saw how his paid out.  He has way too many health issues to have to deal with high deductibles and seeing how it was free I was pretty sure it wouldn’t be great.  I kept asking him about the insurance and he said he hadn’t heard anything.  Almost 7 months later he finally called and checked on it and was told he was never enrolled.  Their CFO is their HR person, which is a choice.  They initially told him that they would pay back premiums and add him on to the existing insurance plan.  His boss told him that his paperwork and stuff was done correctly but it was an error on the clerical side.  Neither Habitat nor the insurance co. will own up to which one.  A few days after that he got called into the HR/CFO office along with his boss and told him that he was sol and that since he is on my insurance (which he had never mentioned to them) that they would add him in open enrollment in October.  She told him “An adult would have said something sooner”.  His boss just sat there and never said a word.  Although I agree he should have said something 6 months ago, her saying that is bullshit.  I told him that I think that since that was shown as a part of his benefit package when he signed on that they were obligated to provide insurance regardless.  Of course I’m not an attorney, nor do I play one on tv.  Later in the day his boss told him that he was surprised he didn’t walk out.  I told Dennis that it was probably when I would have gotten fired, but he held his cool.  The next day the HR lady called him in and he pretty much told her that with the way she spoke to him the day before he wouldn’t talk to her without a witness.  She called his boss who came in begrudgingly.  She told him that they had found him some kind of gap type insurance that is one of the worst plans I have ever seen.  Somewhere in the meeting Dennis told the lady that he was very upset with the way he was talked to the day before and that his boss had told him that he was shocked, he didn’t just walk out.  That created an issue that warmed my cold petty heart.  It still hasn’t been resolved.  He has spoken to the COO and Director but still hasn’t signed anything.  He finally told the COO to pay him what they would have paid the shitty insurance to use towards the premiums from my insurance, but I doubt that will happen.  It’s an entire mess.  So far, it’s the only major hiccup he has had but it’s a big one.

Saturday, we went to a benefit for a wildlife rehabilitation ranch.  It was a lot of fun.  The food was better than I anticipated.  It was interesting, I had no idea that Garth Brooks’ ex-wife was one of (maybe the only) founding investors.  It makes sense now how they have been able to buy a shit ton of land and build the sanctuary.  One of the main auction items was one of Garth’s letterman jackets.  We left before they had the live auction, so I have no idea how much that went for.  I would be interested in seeing how much it went for seeing as how the jean jacket signed the tour cast of the outsiders went for over $500 and they are completely unknown. 

Ok. Got to do laundry while I am feeling productive.

Ya’ll please don’t judge me  I really am trying but it is a struggle right now.  I am getting judged and criticized by just about everyone and my emotional state is not great  

 

I'm still around

 Yeah I had a little disappearing act.  Things were not great for me mentally and emotionally and I really couldn't process it.  I have been going to therapy weekly and have had my meds increased and I feel like I am out of my serious spiral but still not feeling like a normal person.

The holidays were fine.  I lost a close friend right before Thanksgiving.  He was one of the gate attendants that adopted me when I was a baby ranger and I stayed close to him and his family.  When I was sent to south Texas for the border fence they were doing the winter Texan thing and I spent a lot of time at their house.  His daughter brought him and her mom to my dad's funeral.  Henry and Pat are very special to me.  He was 93 and had started to show signs of dementia.  I visited him for a long time last year after he broke his back and was in a rehab hospital and he kept telling me the same story.  Pat had had a stroke and had slowed down a lot.  He was a character and there was a big turn out.  Luckily Dennis went with me to the service.  

That kind of set the tone for the holiday.  With both my dad and FIL passing away it is a hard time of the year at the best of situations.  The family drama is ongoing and draining.  

Both Dennis and I took off the two weeks of Christmas/New Year.  We didn't do too much but it was really nice to have a break from the office, which has been the major factor in my ongoing breakdown.  We did a few things but mostly just a lot of nothing and it was amazing.  It really put into perspective how much the bullshit going on and the treatment we have been getting as fed empolyees has almost become degenerative level that has made it difficult for me to even want to do my job.

When I went to my Mom's for Christmas, there was something seriously wrong with my dad's dog.  Her stomach was so distended that it couldn't have been comfortable for her.  She was having a hard time getting around.  KC hated being in the car and we were afraid she would have a heart attack if we tried to get her to the vet so I reached out to Dr. Susanne to get the name of a mobile vet that she trusted.  They were able to schedule her pretty quickly.

In the midst of all of that I got a call that Pat, the other half of the couple from above died.  It didn't realy surprise me, I couldn't imagine either one of them without the other.  The day of her funeral was the day the vet was coming to see KC, the appointment time was at the same time the services started. I would have liked to have been there but I needed to be at the service.  When I got back to the car from the cemetary, I called mom and the vet said that KC was in end stage heart failure.  Mom said that even her feet was swollen.  They made the decision it was wime to let her go.  The vet gave her the injection they give before the kill shot and she passed before she could give her the final drug.  Mom was a mess.  I ended up going to her house from the funeral and spent some time with her.  I feel like this is one more piece of my dad that I have lost.  

And because I feel like the angel of death I  got a call the next day that my friend that does my nails had taken her dog to the vet and she was told that he had cancer that started in his liver and had spread so much that they couldn't treat it. Bear and I had a special bond and Eberle wanted me to come over and tell him bye.  I made plans to go over Friday after work.  I got a call from my mom that KC was ready to pick up from the crematorium. It was on my way home so I went to pick her up before I went to see Bear for the last time.  I was in shock at how much he had declined in the short amount of time I had seem him last.  He reminded me a lot of how Hunter looked when he got sick, the sunken look to his skull.  You could tell he was in pain.  I stopped and got him a double bacon cheeseburger and sat around and cried uncontrollably for not the first time that week.  

It wasn't all terrible.  I found a front row ticket to the Outsiders (yes I have seen it 7 times) in St Louis.  I had planned on selling it for $$$ but with everything going on it never got listed.  I did get insurance on it and I told my mom and Dennis that I was going to turn the ticket in and stay home because I wasn't sure about leaving in the middle of everything.  Dennis talked me into just going.  it was a single ticket and he said he tought the time alone 400 miles away might do me some good.  I had lots of hotel and airline points so it was a pretty inexpensive trip.  I had the smart idea of taking public transportation from the airport and was told several times that I had made a serious mistake.  I did make friends with a homeless man named Bishop who offered to take me to my hotel to make sure I got there safetly.  Luckily he did not.  My flight was early so I dropped my backpack and went to a place called City Museum, which was a huge man made cave with slides and passages.   I went down a 5 story slide.  You can't cry while going down a giant slide.  

My room got upgraded to a suite so I chilled in the room, took a shower and got ready.  I went to dinner at the hotel bar/restaurant. I was sitting at the bar eatting my flatbread and drinking my blueberry lemondrop when 2 of the cast member from the show walked up to grab something from the bar.  I told them I was looking forward to seeing them soon but left them to fuck alone to eat their dinner.  

The show was the same as it always is, amazing.  I ugly cried at parts.  At the end of the show when Pony Boy gives out the book he gave it to me again.  I was in shock.  I know they see so many people that they can't remember who did what where but for some reason I didn't even think I would the book again.  I thnk I will give it to my older sister as part of her Christmas.  We are supposed to meet up before Hadestown Wednesday so I can give her the gifts I got her and I think she will be surprised.  

I have to make it through this week.  I have a dentist appointment tomorrow afternoon so I will take off early.  I can stick it out and next Monday is a holiday, I think I will take Tuesday off too.

Sorry for the long rambling post.  I have tried to write several posts and I end up just deleting them because I just feel so bad about trauma dumping.  So here it is.  I do feel like the medication is helping.  I still feel like crying 75% of the time but it's better than 99%.

still employed

Work has been rough lately, and not just the usual kind of rough. They said we’ve got enough carry-over funding to make it through the end of October, and then after that, we’re basically expected to keep showing up and working without pay until Congress gets its act together. We’ll supposedly get back pay “eventually,” but who even knows how that works when the guidance says only ten percent of the workforce is supposed to keep working during a shutdown.

I’ll be fine for a few months if it comes to that, but let’s be real, I don’t want to drag myself out of bed every morning for a job that might pay me “someday.” It’s hard to stay motivated when the air is so heavy with uncertainty. Everyone’s frustrated, but no one really wants to talk about it. I keep trying not to think too much about it because if I let myself dwell on it, the anxiety hits so hard it’s all I can feel. I’m doing what I have to do, but I’m not going above and beyond right now. The morale is already low enough without me working myself into the ground.

On top of that, I found out HMF has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She had her biopsy the day before I saw her, so she’s still waiting to find out what the treatment plan will look like. That one hit hard. Dennis’s mom is doing better, but she’s still wearing a patch over her left eye. I went grocery shopping for her a couple weekends ago, and honestly, I don’t think she’s been leaving the house except for doctor appointments.

This weekend is shaping up to be... something. Dennis’s oldest sister is coming into town for her class reunion, and his brother’s coming too. It drives me nuts that she can make it for a reunion but didn’t show up when their dad was in the hospital or even for his last Christmas. She managed to make it for the memorial service though, so there’s that. Maybe it’s just me, but I think being there while someone’s alive means more than showing up for the service after they’re gone. And don’t even get me started on the brother. I lost all respect for him over twenty years ago when their dad had his subdural hematoma. He had plenty of frequent flyer miles, didn’t have a job, but said his toddler had a cold, so he couldn’t come. I would’ve walked from Ohio if I’d had to.

Dennis said they’re wanting to do some kind of “family meeting” while everyone’s in town, but he has zero interest. I don’t blame him. He tried to do that right after his dad died so they could go over the will, but that turned into a disaster. He was the executor and just wanted to follow his dad’s wishes, but the rest of them wanted to argue about everything. Now, when it’s too late to change anything, they suddenly want to meet? I’m sure it’s about their mom’s health, but who knows. Either way, I won’t be around. I’ve got tickets to a comedy show with my sister that night. Perfect timing.

Last week was Outsiders week, and honestly, it was the bright spot I desperately needed. The show opened Tuesday even though the official opening was Wednesday, and I managed to snag front-row pit tickets during presale when I was in North Carolina. I got them as a birthday gift for HMF. We were so excited, it felt like being kids again. We did our usual pre-show ritual: hit happy hour across the street, demolished some chicken fajita nachos and fries (seriously the best fries ever), and soaked up the buzz.

The show was absolutely spectacular. The touring cast is so young, which makes the story hit differently. Honestly, I think I liked it better than the Broadway version, except for the guy who played Dally in New York because good grief, that man was unfairly good-looking, and he was in his thirties, so I don’t even feel bad saying that. The special effects were just like Broadway too, rubber gravel, fake blood, and rain. We got pelted with gravel but thankfully didn’t get soaked.

And then, during the last song, the actor who plays Ponyboy gave a signed copy of The Outsiders to someone in the audience, and that someone was me. Me! I felt like a total teenage fangirl. HMF and I had joked before that if they gave one out, we’d give it to a kid, but when I told her I might give it to the fifteen-year-old girl sitting next to us, she looked me dead in the eye and said, “Don’t you dare.”

The next night, my sister had tickets for the official opening, so I met up with her and her friends for dinner before the show. They had a red-carpet event since it was the official North American kickoff, and I tried to stay out of sight because the teenage actor playing Ponyboy was there, and I didn’t want him to think I was stalking him after being front row the night before.

I took Dennis on Saturday, and he actually liked it more than he expected to. He’s even brought it up a few times since, which for him means he really liked it. On Sunday we went again, our first show in our new regular season seats, and we picked great ones.

That night was the Stay Gold Gala for the Outsiders House Museum. I wore a dress that was so tight I hadn’t eaten all day, so I was thrilled when I saw the amount of food they had. Pretty sure it saved me from passing out from hunger and shapewear compression. We got there early enough to do photos and meet people without waiting in line. HMF talked me into bringing the signed book to try to get a few more autographs. I’m not big on autographs, but I was hoping S. E. Hinton would sign it. She didn’t, but that’s okay. I did get a few of the cast members, including two of the three Curtis brothers. Ponyboy was on vocal rest, so he typed what he wanted to say on his phone. HMF told him he should learn sign language, and it turns out the actor who plays Soda’s mom is a speech pathologist. They’d even had silent dinners where they only used sign language. It was one of those random, funny conversations that sticks with you.

I told them about how when HMF gets overly pissed the sign language comes out, that we went to Silver Dollar City after a half marathon, completely unaware it was middle school choir day. It was pure chaos, screaming kids everywhere, lines a mile long, and zero personal space. At one point, a group of middle school boys started pushing and crowding us in line, and HMF absolutely went off, both verbally and in sign language, telling them to back off. She had those kids stepping back like they’d just seen their lives flash before their eyes. When I mentioned Silver Dollar City little Ponyboy’s whole face lit up. He started gesturing like crazy about how much he loves that place and gave me this half-giddy fist bump that made me laugh out loud.  HMF said it couldn’t have been his class because he was probably a toddler. 

HMF and me with the Curtis Bros

Pony Boy

The motorcycle cop from the movie

Jamestown Revival played a few songs, including two from the show and of course “Stay Gold.” Their harmonies are unreal. I ended the night by winning a silent auction for an original movie poster with the Robert Frost poem written by C. Thomas Howell. I even met the guy who played the motorcycle cop in the movie and ended up chatting with him for a long time. It was such a good night.

Monday was a holiday, and I’d planned to get my nails done, but my friend was sick, so instead I made a rash decision and went to a tattoo shop. I got something small to commemorate the whole experience.

And now I’m back in my pit of despair. Reality hit hard after such a great week. But even with all the mess swirling around right now, I’m hanging on to that little burst of joy because it reminded me what it feels like to actually be happy again, and that counts for something.

TGIF

 

Nothing like waking up at 3:30 am to the sound of the carbon monoxide alarm going off.  Once I figured out what it was, I just took the battery out.  I would rather die in my sleep than to have to get up, dressed, round up the kids, etc.  Pretty sure it was just a low battery as it is close to the time change and the animals were fine.  I wasn’t able to go back to sleep and Olive was being a cuddle bug, so I sat with her in my lap and watched the tapped episode of Jimmy Kimmel to see what his return was like.  I ended up getting ready and was at work by 6:30. If I was able to wake up early on a consistent basis I would totally come in at that time as it is so quiet.  The conference room behind me usually starts getting used at 9 and I am just distracted at the noise for the rest of the day.  

 

I have a few pictures of the ceremony from last week.  We got an email the day after the ceremony from the photographer saying the data card crashed.  Luckily, I had a friend there that took some pictures for Ripley’s Believe it or Not.  They had a mass retirement ceremony for the DRPers and both Rupe and the Kim bitch were there to see it.  That made my heart a little happy, not going to lie. 

 

I have had a little of Jay’s luck dealing with an overpriced toy.  I bought a handbag when I was in Ashville.  It was insanely expensive but a ‘you only live once’ and ‘it will last for years’ type of purchase.  I didn’t start using it until I got back, so around the 1^st of August.  I picked it up Tuesday and THE STRAP BROKE.  To say I was stunned is an understatement.  I called the customer service number when I got to my car to be told to call the store.  I looked up the store and found Bal Harbour, which is the name of the place I bought it to find out they were in Miami and they didn’t support the pop-up shops.  I did a deep dive on the pop-up shop and it closed in August so even if I wanted to return it to the store 700 miles away I couldn’t.  Called the customer service line back and the agent that answered that time told me that they don’t do pop-ups and it was probably a fake.  The hell you say, it is on your social media you have a pop-up right now.  She really didn’t like me pointing that out and told me I would have to send an email.  Well I sent the email and they replied the next day telling me that they ‘regret to inform me they can’t assist me’ and that I need to take it to a retailer that carries Balmain.  The closest one is in Dallas, 4 hours away.  I finally decided I had enough and just contacted my credit card company and filed a dispute.  I am not going to chase them down and if I wait too long that won’t be an option. I am so glad I used my credit card, I tried to use my debit card, and the fraud alert declined the transaction, so I used my credit card instead.  Maybe them getting the dispute will their attention.  At this point I would pay to ship it back to them in Paris, just give me my money back and stop giving shitty customer service.  Long story short, no more luxury brand handbags for me.  I have had better service and quality from Wal-Mart bags.  

 

Work is busy, and it feels like the days fly by.  I don’t hate that, but I am so burned out on coming to the office.  I could seriously get as much done in half the time without the interruptions.  We are also not going to hire another planner behind the one that left so my workload will not decrease much.  We will get some temps in the fall and winter, but it will just be until the start of the rec season, and they won’t have permanent programs, just working overflow stuff.  I’m not complaining, help is help for however long we have it.  I also don’t hate being busy as it makes the day go by so much faster.  I am in the midst of trying to get some training planned for June.  We don’t know if we will have it or not because, for the most part, it’s summer rangers who need it.  If we aren’t able to hire them, like this year, we won’t need it.  Regardless, I have to start planning it just in case.  I am just tired and at the end of the day I don’t want to do anything.

 

I tried to weigh last night because I haven’t in several months and my scale was broken.  I kind of suspect Dennis of breaking it.  Not sure if it was intentional or not.  I have had several days when I look up and it is 1 or 2 and I am not even hungry.  I force myself to eat a little and go sit away from my desk for 30 minutes.  I eat late so I am not hungry for dinner.  I don’t want to get back in a disordered eating habit again.  Not that I have every completely gotten out of it. I vaguely remember a quote from the biggest loser, something like if you have ever been fat, you will fight it for the rest of your life. 

 

Speaking of biggest loser (not that one), the documentary was so good.  I was so into that show but as I got older and into my own weight loss I realized how toxic it was.  I wasn’t impressed by the way they blew off the GLP medications because it is better and safer than being morbidly obese.  One of the winners is on there and he is from a town close to me. He has gained all his weight back plus some, he was one of the people that talked bad about the mediation. A few days after watching the show I met my mom and sister at a burger place for lunch, the dude was there.  I told my sister ‘Hey, that is one of the winners of biggest loser’ she thought I was being a bitch since they were eating big ole burgers and fries, but I told her no, really.  I pulled up his picture and showed her.  About that time, I am 99% sure he realized what we were doing.  I would have never noticed if he hadn’t been on the show talking smack about people trying to do something to make themselves better.  Fuck that guy.

 

I am so not looking forward to this weekend.  One of my cousins is pregnant and having a baby shower.  I don’t want to go.  I am not close to them and I have her mom blocked after she called me to talk about my sister after I took her to the er a few months ago.  She had talked to my mom and knew what was going on so I guess she just wanted to gossip.  Her and my uncle are also what I refer to as welfare maga. They are low income and took advantage of all the programs they could.  Some of their grandkids are special needs and have IEPs and have to have special transportation to and from school.  They also went to the schools during the summer and the pandemic to get free lunches for the kids.  You can’t have it both ways.  They try to argue with my mom and I told her to bust out facts but I doubt she does.  I don’t trust myself, come at me like that and I will tell exactly what and how I think of that….

Anyway, the baby shower is about 45 minutes from my mom’s house and I don’t want her to drive that far.  She insists on going.  I told her that my cousin that was living with her could take her but she sent me a text saying she can’t risk getting sick blah blah blah.  Then my mom tells me Heather wants to take her to the fair.  Like nah bitch you get to take her to the baby shower.  I am sure I will end up having to take her.  I bought the presents and had them sent to my mom’s house thinking it might get me out of it but it isn’t looking good.

 

Alright I am spent.  I need to take a walk or a nap.

 

'Rona, the sequel

Sooooo tired. Like, bone-deep tired. Sometimes I think back to my twenties when I was all “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” and wonder if my current exhaustion is just karma cashing in. Back then, I’d leave work, close down the bars, stumble into some afterhours rave, take a three-minute shower, power nap, then drag myself back to the office like nothing happened. Now? I stay up past 10 p.m. and need a full recovery weekend. How the hell did I ever pull that off?

Work has been… meh. Busy season is here, which means endless phone calls. Yesterday I was stuck from 10 to 2:30. Today looks the same. And if you know me, you know I hate phone calls. Hate them. I’d rather wrestle a goose in a Walmart parking lot.

Speaking of torture, last week was the Kansas State Fair. Every year we do a booth, Kansas City helps, and we hand out enough freebies to fill a landfill. We said we didn’t have the staff this year and maybe should sit it out. Did that happen? Of course not. So me and a coworker got volunteered as tribute. Four days. Four straight days at the fair.

Let me tell you, fairs are not my thing. The food smells good until you realize you now smell like funnel cake for 72 hours. And the worst part? Adults acting like the free swag is the Holy Grail. Watching people sneak back for their third pen like they’re masterminding some great heist, please. Kids I can tolerate, kind of. But grown adults hoarding tote bags? By day two and a half, I was about ready to start handing out side-eye as a freebie.

And then the flat earthers showed up. At first, they seemed semi-normal… then they explained how we could solve lake siltation by “just taking away the slope in the land.” Two hours later, I was eyeing the Ferris wheel like, yep, that’ll do it. My only strategy was repeating “you’ll have to take that up with the money people” like it was my personal mantra.

Parking was its own comedy show. Apparently, the big bold number on my pass wasn’t my spot. No, the real number was hiding on a tiny sticker at the bottom. Obviously. I drove around looking for spot 420 for far longer than I care to admit.  The parking attendant had no clue.  So I circled around until someone in the open parking area left.

Then came Monday. Storms rolling in, I thought, “Hey, maybe it’ll be quiet.” Wrong. It was free entry day. Schools dumped busloads of kids at the fair. Then the thunderstorm hit. Thousands of soaking wet, screaming humans crammed into buildings. Parking lots flooded, people stuck in the mud. Me? Wondering if I should start carrying a flask.

By Tuesday I’d had enough. Drove back, felt awful, thought it was just from shouting all weekend. Took a COVID test—positive. Luckily, it was more like a bad cold this time. Worked from home, slept all weekend, tested negative Sunday. Still tired, but functional-ish.

And just when I thought life couldn’t get weirder… surprise! Found out I’m getting a Civilian Service Award tomorrow. At an actual award ceremony. Why? No clue. I know for a fact it didn’t come from anyone in my office. Can’t wait to find out who decided I deserved this. I’m half convinced it’s a prank, but hey, I get an actual plaque and medal.  Guess I better dress like a grown up.

Meanwhile, Dennis’s mom gave us all a scare with what looked like a stroke. Ambulance, ER, the whole deal. She stayed overnight and then they just released her Sunday like, “Congrats, you lived, go home.” His sister that lives up north is going make a rare appearance next month and wants to do a “family meeting” but Dennis said nope, because he knows whatever he suggests will get overturned anyway. Their brother, who I’ve hated since day one, says when he visits it’s his “vacation” so he shouldn’t have to help. Boo hoo. Honestly, the man’s lucky I haven’t throat-punched him.

And the kicker? His mom now claims she didn’t even have a stroke. Told Dennis, the neighbor, even the PT that her droopy eye is just because of a surgery she had a year or so ago. The PT literally pulled her records and said, “Nope, ma’am, you did in fact have a stroke.” Her follow-up appointment with the eye doctor and PCP said it was because of long term effects of diabetes (in denial about that too) and hypertension. But she’d rather pretend it was something else and keep rolling. Our moms could not be more opposite if they tried.

Something I heard over the weekend really hit me as spot on to what is going on right now. "How you die doesn't redeem how you lived" 

Busy Bee

Well, it has been a minute.  When I was in NC I found out one of my co-workers had taken another job so when I got back I would be taking on more duties.  Turns out I have been pretty swamped and had no desire to get on the computer after I got home.  

I have had more of an issue adjusting back to my normal work life for some reason.  Not sure if it's because I am so busy or just that I am over this place.  Maybe both.  There is always a little bit of whiplash but it has taken me longer to get over that feeling this time.  It could also be because it's hurricane season and I know I won't be able to go due to the above circumstances.  At least the days have gone by relatively fast.

I had a phone call with the retirement coordinator/financial planner a few weeks ago.  It was about what I expected.  I really want to be able to retire early but I'm just not sure it's in the cards.  Even if I left at 58 (5 more damn years), but there are just so many unknowns.  He advised me to cancel my life insurance through work and take it out from a private company.  I also need to put more into a roth because the tax hit I would take from my TSP is what would keep me from leaving early.  Is it too little too late?  Well, who knows but if I don't do it at all there will be nothing post tax if I do leave so better late than never.  There are so many unknowns in 5 years.  He did tell me that I am in a good place owning my car outright and only owing like $20,000 on my house.  I asked him if I should focus on paying it off and he said at this point it doesn't really matter because the interest rate is low and it might be better to just invest that in the roth.  So many adult decisions that I don't feel responsible enough to make.  When do you finally feel like a real adult and comfortable in making these kinds of decisions?  I just don't want to retire and have to take a job at Costco to pay my bills.  Kind of defeats the purpose. I really do need to take advantage of having young healthy animals for a change to put some more money into my retirement accounts.

In a fit of extraversion I made a ton of plans and I am hoping my anxiety will let me follow through.  I bought tickets to several events and so far I have only skip one.  It was for the SPCA so I don't feel like my money went to waste.  I just couldn't do it and Dennis let me make the call and was fine with skipping.  I just needed a day.  

This week started with the holiday and I took Tuesday off because I had a dentist appointment and didn't want to ruin the day with work.  I made an appointment to get my nails done and had a chance to go by a new bakery that is blowing up right now.  The lady that owns it recently won the James Beard Award and you either have to pre-order or stand in an hour long line to get anything.  I happened to catch the pre-order open and put in for assorted croissants.  OMG they were best pastries I have ever eaten in my entire life.  Very much worth the hype.  I also got super cute nails.

Wild Brew with my sister was a couple of weekends ago.  It is a fundraiser for the Sutton Avian Research Center that does a lot of really good work.  It's a craft beer and restaurant tasting.  For some reason I never got the paper tickets so we went a little early and ended up getting VIP.  It really doesn't mean much but we got in early and there were a few vendors that weren't open to the general admission.  I wouldn't pay for them but it was nice to have a little seating area once we did a few laps around the place.  My sister wasn't too weird but small doses of her are best for me.  We had good time.  Neither of us drink beer and they didn't have a cider that I particularly liked but I tried enough to remind me that I did, indeed, dislike beer.  I will never understand IPA.

I took my mom to get her haircut for a belated birthday present and to my absolute shock she actually (kind of) liked it.  I had joked with the girl that does my hair that I was going to bring her there, which I would NEVER do.  She told me to just go to ULTA because they have the training and clientele that I could ask the manager that she has really fine and thin hair.  They gave me a name and I made the appointment.  After her appointment my sister called and my mom asked her if she wanted to meet us for lunch.  We ended up meeting her.  The two of them together is like kids fighting but it made my mom happy.  My sister found an event that she wanted to go to with an improve troupe and when she showed me the name I recognized it as being one that the girl that does my hair is in!  So, we ended up going.  Two outings with her in just a few short weeks is a gamble.  I had to go home and take a shower and blow out my hair a little because I couldn't go in with my hair looking a mess if Hayley was going to be there.  She was there but she wasn't performing that night.  It was pretty funny.  It was over about 9:30 and we stood outside and talked.  I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere but we don't do bars and couldn't really talk because it was a Saturday night, plus neither one of us are big drinkers.  I wasn't hungry so we didn't want to go to a restaurant.  We ended up sitting in my car and she talked (yup it was pretty much just her talking) until after midnight when I had to go to the bathroom and made my escape.  That girl is a hot mess and I know she is super lonely but I can only do so much.  She just wears me out.  She spent a good amount of time talking about her near death experience (she refers to it as her NDE, which tells me she talks or thinks about a lot).  Did she die?  There is no evidence of that but she swears she did and saw the other side.  She went into detail about her conversations with what could only imagine would be her 'spirit guide' to which I say whatever helps you get through the day.  I am so skeptical and want to believe her but I just don't.  The big sister in me wants to remind her that she didn't die when she had her aneurism she could have died those aren't the same.  I have no doubt she lived through more pain than I could ever imagine both physical and emotional at the exact same time so I just let her talk.  She did tell me that when her ex found out she was in the hospital in serious condition he assumed she had tried to kill herself because she found out about him being a disgusting pig waste of a human suit.  He can just fuck right off.  I never like him, just want to point that out.  It was a long day.  

This week will be a mess.  I am going to the first show in our broadway series, Kimberly Akimbo.  I saw it in Pittsburg before we knew it was going to be here.  Probably would have gone anyway though.  It isn't my favorite but I am still looking forward to it.  We had to switch our tickets because of a work obligation I have this weekend.  We were able to move the to tonight and got great seats so it was a win.  I haven't seen HMF since before I deployed.  I know A started a new school and she told me a little over text that he got into a lot of trouble over the summer, like handcuffs type of trouble so I am sure there will be a few adult beverages.  The place we go before the show has a prickly pear mule that I can drink like kool-aid.  Normally I would rather just drink a soda for the calories but I have been drooling over this for a hot minute.

Tomorrow Heather and I are going to see Hamilton in the movies.  I really hope it's a sing along because if it isn't I am getting thrown out.  I am not sure about Heather's knowledge of the show as she says she hates musicals but said she likes some.  Since it's on disney I am going to assume she if familiar.  If she hates it she can leave I guess.  I am not afraid to stay by myself.  HMF is my normal musical buddy but she has to attend A's football game.  I told her to skip it but I guess that isn't an option for some reason. Blech, I really dislike football.  

Saturday morning I am leaving bright and early to work the Kansas State Fair water safety booth.  I am not particularly happy about this.  I am getting some flex hours banked up and I really didn't have anything besides the show.  Plus I am so close to diamond at Hilton.  This trip might put me there.  Of course it is so late in the year that it doesn't really matter unless they go by stay history and not calendar year.  I guess I should look into that.  However, hotel points are hotel points.  I will have to work saturday, sunday, monday and tuesday.  I will be out of the office so there is that.  Apparently we have a contract with the fair that says the booth has to be manned and for some reason they (the field office) signed it without thinking that we are so short staffed we had entire projects that didn't open parks this summer.  So, someone from my office is going to have to go.  I can't imagine how much it is going to cost them.  I would think it would be cheaper to just pay out the contract but whatever.  I get paid regardless and will get 12 hours for saturday and sunday.  It was especially aggravating given the extra hoops we have to jump through to travel anywhere.  Not to mention our year end this month is making funds a little hard to come by.  But again, per diem and comp time and a little time out of the office.  I just hope my social meter can handle it.

I should have a little downtime the rest of September but October is packed as well.  The Outsiders tour starts and I might have bought tickets to see it a few times.  I told Dennis he had to go and I found a single front row ticket front and center so I couldn't pass it up.  I just hope they do the gravel and rain like they did on broadway!  They are also doing a Stay Gold Gala the Sunday the show closes to benefit the Outsiders House Museum.  There are supposed to have actors from the show and the band that wrote the music is going to be there to perform.  Seeing Jamestown Revial alone is worth the ticket.  HMF and I got VIP tickets.  We see the show that day so it will be a lot but I am really looking forward to seeing them sing Stay Gold.  So much more but this is already getting really long.

I can't get pictures to upload in a normal way so put some up but they are in random order, sorry about that.  

the start of spooky season nails!!

Wild Brew, not sure why the picture is distorted

best croissant I have ever eaten

Headshots Heather did that I talked about last time.