Grumpy in Public and Other Recent Adventures

Things have been busier than usual lately, which honestly is not saying much, but still. I’ve also been in an unusually social mood, and I fully expect that to be temporary. I don’t know what to attribute it to. My outlook is still pretty meh. I think I’m just tired of sitting at home being grumpy by myself, so I figured I might as well share the misery with the world. You’re welcome. 

Last week started with some family drama. Nothing new there. My sister was supposed to meet my mom at some giant garage sale event and stood her up in a pretty shitty way. So I stepped in, took Mom to lunch at The Brook, her favorite, and then did a Costco run with her and Heather. She was upset but didn’t really say much, which somehow feels worse.

I tried bribing her with The Devil Wears Prada 2 and popcorn, but she informed me she didn’t even like the first movie, so there was absolutely no chance she was sitting through the second. Fair enough.

Heather and I ended up going on Sunday instead. We grabbed kids’ meals at Whataburger, loaded up on popcorn, and settled in. The movie was good, but not in the way I expected. It was really about the death of print media, AI-generated garbage, clickbait culture, sweatshops, all the fun lighthearted topics. It hit harder than I thought it would.  Also, I left wanting to max out every credit card I own on clothes I have absolutely nowhere to wear. Just let me spend one afternoon in one of those closets. Once. That’s all I ask.

In other who even am I news, I joined the YMCA.

I know.

The thing that pushed me over the edge was the egym machines. You get this bracelet and tap it when you sit down, and the machine automatically adjusts everything to your settings. There’s a little animated pacing line you follow and collect dots while it tracks your reps. It feels like playing a really bad video game.  I’ve only gone twice so far, once for setup and once for the actual circuit, but I genuinely like it. Work gives us an hour of fitness leave three times a week and I’ve basically just been throwing that benefit directly into the trash for years. I originally thought I’d use the ancient equipment at the office gym, but one look at those relics and I decided I’d rather pay actual money elsewhere.  Going 3 days a week on my way home from work cuts down on the excuses not to go.  The Y has twelve locations, two with the egym setup, nice pools, classes, even pilates reformer. That last one is a hard no for now, but never say never. Baby steps.

Food-wise, the meal service menu last week was uninspiring, so I skipped pickup entirely and we survived off grill nights and freezer food. This week’s menu was much better though, and we’re stocked back up with crockpot and air fryer meals like functioning adults.

Friday night was the Savannah Bananas touring team.

I’d tried to get tickets through the lottery months ago and failed spectacularly. Resale tickets were pushing $200 for the travel team, not even the main squad, which was an immediate absolutely-not from me. Then Friday afternoon I got an email saying they had released last-minute lawn tickets for $35. Suddenly I was going.

I texted my sister at 4:45 asking if she wanted to go because gates opened at 5:30. Somehow she was free, so we threw ourselves together and headed out. As I walked to the car, I looked up at the sky and immediately thought: oh no. That should’ve been my warning.

We found a spot on the lawn, and while grabbing nachos I had the sudden impulse to check the merch stand for ponchos before the rain started. They had them for under five dollars, so I grabbed two.  Excellent decision-making for once in my life.  By the time I got back to our spot, they were already covering the field. Lightning started. My sister and I looked at each other, put the ponchos on, and then the sky absolutely opened up. I tucked the nachos under my poncho because priorities matter.  After over an hour of delays and slowly losing the will to fight through crowds of children chasing autographs, we gave up temporarily and headed to a little bar across the street. We sat there drinking cider while watching the venue screens from the windows for signs of the game starting back up.

Eventually the game resumed, enough people had left that we upgraded ourselves from soggy lawn seating to actual seats, and honestly? It ended up being really fun.  Not sure I’d sprint back to do it again, but I’m glad we went.  The real tragedy was discovering there was orchestral karaoke happening a few blocks away at the exact same time. My sister immediately informed me I had chosen the wrong event.

She may have been right.

I also completely forgot Mother’s Day weekend overlapped with show week. I had already made brunch reservations for my mom, sister, Heather, and me, but thankfully HMF was willing to switch our theater tickets to Saturday night instead.

We’re still trying to recover emotionally from the closure of our old pre-show restaurant. Nothing nearby hits the same.  This time we tried a place called Avery in a hotel lobby. It was... fine. But they served cold chicken on my salad and my texture issues simply do not permit that kind of behavior. HMF kindly donated some of her cornflake-crusted chicken to the cause, which saved the meal.  Good friends understand texture and temperature issues without requiring explanation.

The show itself was The Wiz, which honestly wasn’t even on my radar. It’s not one I would’ve picked, but I ended up loving it. Funny, energetic,  and just a genuinely good time.

The only downside was that some of the vocals were hard to understand. I thought maybe it was just me, but at intermission HMF admitted she was following along with the ASL interpreters to catch some lines too.

The other issue was the theater temperature, which could only be described as meat locker. People around us were literally talking about leaving at intermission because they were so cold.  I learned years ago to always bring a jacket to theaters, but even with that I had goosebumps.

Sunday brunch with the family was predictably stressful, because family brunches apparently cannot exist without at least low-level emotional damage. The food was good though, and I ate way too much.

Afterward I hit the outlet mall because Gap and Banana Republic were running half-off sales for cardholders. I ended up getting several things for under $100, which felt like a miracle. The downside is that stores still seem deeply committed to pretending short people do not exist, so I probably need to finally learn how to hem pants. I did order fabric tape, which feels like the lazy compromise version of adulthood.

While walking back to my car, I spotted a woman wearing Fluevogs. I recognized them instantly, as one does. I stopped her to compliment them and told her I knew exactly what they were. The look on her face was priceless. She said I was the first person who had ever identified them by name in public. Honestly, it felt like seeing another member of a very niche secret society.

No idea what this weekend holds yet. I really need to clean up my yard before it fully transforms into a junkyard full of Dennis’s abandoned crap. I’m tempted to call the city just to force the issue, but I also don’t know if I’m emotionally prepared for the fallout that would create.

So for now, the junk pile remains.

Random picture because I was really feeling my outfit 

It's all fine

 

Lots of doctor’s appointments lately. Getting old is a scam.

I finally gave in and did the nerve conduction test on my hands after my fingers decided numbness was their new personality. The test hurt way more than I expected (love that for me), but at least it was quick. Results showed most things were normal except for moderate carpal tunnel. So, you know, not totally normal.

A little consultation with Dr. Google and AI says my habit of sleeping with my wrists curled inward, which is apparently a hypermobile people thing, is likely the culprit. I have an appointment tomorrow and fully expect to be sentenced to nighttime wrist splints. Not sure how that’s going to work since I rely on my Apple Watch vibrating to wake me up. Guess I’ll either adapt or just never wake up again.

I also had my 3-month check-in with my PCP. My weight with shoes, in the afternoon was 89 lbs. He didn’t say anything, but I brought up that my rheumatologist suggested switching my antidepressant to something that might help with appetite. PCP was hesitant because Wellbutrin has that bonus off-label ADD benefit, and apparently, we don’t want to mess with that. He also thinks my ADD meds are probably more to blame for the weight, but since those are actually working, we’re not touching them. Fair.

So, the compromise is: try the new antidepressant for a couple of weeks, and if my ability to focus tanks, go back to Wellbutrin and just add the new one. So far, the only noticeable side effect is that I slept until 9:30 both days this weekend and then struggled to wake up for work like a normal functioning adult. So that’s going great.  Meanwhile, no change in appetite.

On a completely different note, I got tired of not having clothes that fit and went on a bit of a shopping spree. I tried thrift stores but didn’t have much luck. There’s this warehouse here that sells insurance buyouts/returns/liquidation-type stuff, and it’s basically chaos.  You have to dig through racks and make sure nothing is damaged, but you can find really good stuff if you’re willing to put in the effort. I found some great work clothes.  Also picked up a few pairs of jeans from Old Navy and the Gap kids section, and that should hold me over. I should probably go through the garage and take stuff to my friend’s thrift store or try consignment, but that sounds like effort, so we’ll see.  I also bit the bullet and went to Dillard’s for undergarments that actually fit. Shockingly, they had a limited selection but somehow exactly what I needed, and it wasn’t outrageously priced. Now that I know my size, I can hunt for sales like a normal person.  I am actually wearing clothes that fit for a change.

And now… the in-law drama.

It’s spring in the Midwest, which means storms. We had a couple roll through nearby, and Dennis’s sister texted him to check on their mom. Why she didn’t just… do that herself remains a mystery. He said his sister has always been overly freaked out about storms, so historically he’s been the one dropping everything to go check or call.

At one point sister asked him to call her, and he immediately said he had a bad feeling about it. (Correct.) He called anyway.  She answers and asks if he knows there’s a termite swarm at their mom’s house and what he is going to do about it. That was apparently the breaking point.  He reminded her that termites have been an issue since before their dad passed, and he had already tried to get it addressed back then. He also pointed out that he’s been the one consistently helping with the house and asked what she was going to do for a change.

Cue the floodgates.

What followed was apparently a full airing of grievances: her inserting herself into issues with their brother, not helping with the house, and a past storm situation where she and her husband pulled into the driveway, decided everything looked fine from the front, and left… despite the fact that the backyard was a disaster and Dennis was literally back there cleaning up fallen trees. They didn’t even get out of the car.

Then the money issue came up. Their mom had sent cash to the brother’s daughter, and sister was upset about it and tried to rope Dennis in except she didn’t realize he already knew their mom had been giving money to her kids too. Funny how that works. She tried to deny it, and he came prepared with metaphorical receipts.

The whole thing ended with her saying she was sorry that she and her kids were such a disappointment, which… okay. And he hung up.

Dennis thinks the sudden concern about the house is less about termites and more about her realizing that if something happens to their mom, the house might be worth less. Honestly… he’s probably not wrong.

Also, unrelated but somehow still related to the overall theme of decision-making: he was at their mom’s house a couple of weeks ago when the sister showed up and noticed the tires on the sister’s car are basically bald. Like, I don’t know how she has traction on dry pavement levels of bald. She drives her 2-year-old granddaughter around in that car. One tire is brand new (so clearly something happened there), and the other three are hanging on by thoughts and prayers.  Which is extra funny because when I bought my brand new Escape several years ago, her husband made some backhanded comment about it being “nice for a Ford.” Meanwhile, they’re driving a used Lexus that they bought with 100k miles.  They also have a massive house in a ritzy neighborhood and just put in a pool, but sure—let’s cut corners on the thing that keeps your car on the road. Solid priorities.

Anyway. I am just very glad I am no longer required to play nice.  I haven’t talked to anyone other than mother-in-law for over a year and I can’t say I miss any of it. 

And because apparently we didn't have enough going on, we have semi-adopted a cat.

Dennis found her at the car wash a few months ago and immediately started feeding her, because of course he did. I have been in full denial mode hoping someone else would step up and take her, but here we are. We finally got her into the street cats program, got her tame enough to survive a crate, and got her spayed. She was pregnant at the time, but they handled it. So that's one crisis averted. 

If Dennis had his way she'd already be living her best life on my couch, but we're at capacity, and with BD having FIV, adding another cat isn't actually an option. So instead, he drives up and feeds her twice a day like a man with a perfectly normal relationship with a stray cat. I go up when I have leftovers, purely out of practicality, and I am absolutely not getting attached. 

She is gorgeous, for the record. And she's calming down. She even let me hold her for a few minutes recently. But she is Dennis's cat in every meaningful sense. The second she hears his car she sprints to meet him. When I show up alone I have to coax her out of the creek like I'm negotiating with a small feral diplomat. 

Yesterday he floated the idea of relocating her to my house as an outdoor cat. I shut that down immediately. That is exactly how it started with BD, and I think we've all seen how that played out. I told him if we add another animal it's going to be a dog, which I also don't want right now. Hurricane season is coming and I really don't need one more thing to stress about if I deploy. 

She's fine where she is. I'm fine. Everything is fine.

This land is your land

 

It’s been kind of a busy couple of weeks. Or at least busy enough to justify being tired all the time. 

I took off work the Friday before Easter and had my hair done. I was hoping my nail girl would magically also be there so I could just knock it all out in one trip, but she hadn’t fully escaped her old salon yet. So we made a plan for Sunday since neither of us really care about Easter anyway. More on that in a minute.

Since I was already committed to seeing my mom on Sunday, I had a rare free Saturday and went thrifting. I found a new place and immediately fell in love. The owner and his dog Maxine are great, and the shop is small but packed with higher end stuff. Of course, not much in my size because that would be too easy, but I did find a couple things.

I asked if he ever gets smaller sizes and he said it’s hit or miss, but then casually mentioned he was going through a closet from someone about my size with a bunch of vintage pieces. Then he literally ran to the back like he was about to change my life. He pulled out tubs and there were three 1940s or 50s romper bathing suits that were completely swoon worthy. I was already emotionally attached. He said he’d go through everything and have more the next week, so now I’m invested.

I also tried another place my sister recommended and it was… fine. I found a couple things in the kids section that I could make work, which feels very on brand for me at this point, but nothing remotely close to those bathing suits.

Sunday I met my mom and sister for brunch. It was a buffet and actually really good, plus way cheaper than our usual place, so naturally we decided we’re going back for Mother’s Day. A coworker and I go there sometimes and their grilled chicken is amazing. It’s this wood fired Italian situation, so there was everything from chicken parmesan and pizza to salmon, beef tips, pasta, breakfast food, and an unreasonable amount of desserts. They also had gelato, because why not push me over the edge. I absolutely ate too much and paid for it.

After brunch I went home, changed, and headed downtown to get my nails done. On the way I stopped at this bridge that just opened a “musical road,” which sounds ridiculous but is actually kind of cool. They put rumble strips in that play This Land is Your Land when you drive over them. It’s part of the Route 66 centennial. The trick is setting your cruise control to 35 before you hit it, which I did not know at first, so yes, I had to do it multiple times like an idiot until I figured it out. I need to take my mom because it really does not take much to entertain me.

I got to the salon, met Eb, and then we realized she didn’t have a fob yet to get into the suites. It was literally her first week there, so I guess that tracks. I ended up just going home, which honestly worked out because I needed a nap anyway.

I went back after work on Tuesday and somehow hit every single light green like I was being rewarded for something. I made it there in record time and called my mom to tell her I clearly needed to buy a lottery ticket. Later that night I opened my email and saw I had been selected for the first round of ticket sales for the LA Olympics.

There are two events in OKC, softball and whitewater canoe slalom. OU’s softball program is basically elite and they built a really nice facility, so that makes sense. The whitewater park is… also there. I assume it’s nice. The ticket system gave you a 48 hour window, probably to keep everything from crashing, which feels smart.

I’ve always loved the Olympics. It’s basically the only time I feel even slightly patriotic, which feels about right. Going to an event has been on my bucket list forever.

As my time got closer, I kept reading that everything good was either sold out or wildly expensive, so my expectations dropped fast. My window opened at noon on Saturday, so I told my mom if we did anything, I needed reliable internet. She decided to just stay home, so I sat there like a stressed out lunatic waiting.

When it opened, softball was immediately out. Even preliminary rounds were over $500, and medal rounds were long gone. But then I checked canoe slalom and there were medal round tickets available. Did I go over my $250 limit? Yes. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. I am going to a medal round and I will be insufferable about it.

We could buy up to 12 tickets, so I got mine and four for my sister, but on a different day because I am not dealing with them drinking in July heat. I have limits.

After that, I met my sister back at the thrift store from the week before. The owner saw me and immediately gave me a hug, which was honestly very sweet. He pulled out one of the bathing suits for me to try on and it was too big. I was devastated. It fit everywhere except the chest, which feels rude. My sister tried it on and it was too tight on her, so no one won. Kevin was just as disappointed as I was, which made it worse somehow.

I did find a Johnny Was shirt and a Max Mara dress though, so I can’t complain too much. I’m just tired of not having clothes that fit, so I’ve been slowly trying to build up a wardrobe that actually works. I’ve also learned that kids size 14 jeans fit me better than a lot of women’s sizes, which is both helpful and slightly insulting. My current favorite pair came from the kids clearance section, which feels exactly right.

On that note, I weighed over the weekend and I’m holding around 87 pounds. When I saw my therapist, we talked about seeing a nutritionist who specializes in ARFID. When I looked it up, it sounded a little too familiar. I’ve always joked that I eat like a second grader, but it’s more than that.

I have really bad texture issues with food for no logical reason. There are things I won’t even attempt because my body just immediately says no. And when I eat, I hit a point where I physically feel like I’m going to gag if I try to take another bite, whether I’m actually full or not.

Chicken is usually safe, but it can’t be too thick. Microwaved food is not happening. And food should not touch, with very minor exceptions like Thanksgiving. I’ve been like this my whole life and it was always brushed off as picky eating, but it feels like more than that. The nutritionist has a long wait list, so we’ll see when that actually happens.

Sunday I met up with HMF for lunch and our next show, Mamma Mia, which was a lot of fun. She also got a full time professor position at Baylor, which is huge. She’s been a postdoc forever and finally got a staff role. Her husband and A are staying in Tulsa because they don’t want to disrupt things for A, and her dad is in memory care

with Parkinson’s, so she doesn’t want to fully relocate.

Her schedule is mostly Tuesdays and Thursdays, so she’s going to rent a room from a colleague in Waco and make it work, which honestly sounds exhausting but also impressive.

She also finished her last round of radiation, so we had a celebratory drink and dessert. I got her a pair of phoenix earrings that she loved. It ended up being a really good day.

At lunch she brought up her brother, which is always a little risky because he’s the golden child. He works for NASA on the heat shield, so, you know, no pressure there. Dennis and I have been low key obsessed with the Artemis mission, and I wanted to ask about it but didn’t feel like accidentally triggering a whole family therapy session. Luckily, she brought it up first, so we got into it. We talked about him being at the launch and how stressed everyone was waiting for them to come back down.

Meanwhile, I was fully invested like it was my personal mission. I was obsessed while they were in space and rushed home like I had a job to do so I could watch the live feed when they returned. I think part of it is being Gen X and having Challenger burned into my brain, so there was absolutely no chance I was watching the lift off. I’ll catch the recap, thanks.

Also, the whole “copy moon joy” and “copy heart, copy bracelet” thing had me way more invested than I expected. I don’t even fully know why, but suddenly I’m emotional about astronauts and their inside jokes. And when they started talking about naming a crater “Carroll,” I was like great, now I’m attached. This is where we are now.

The astronauts all seem like genuinely good humans, which feels rare these days, and following their whole journey the last couple of weeks has been weirdly heartwarming. Which is saying a lot, because I’m not exactly known for my soft, emotional side.  And the video of Christine Koch's dog seeing her when she got home 😻

I'm not a lawyer, but I played on on TV

 

Okay, let me tell you about this whole background acting experience because it was a day.

It started off kind of chaotic. They emailed me saying they would text details the day before, which they did… barely. I think I got my report time on Friday for a Monday shoot. Super organized.

We were told to show up at a church downtown at 6:42 AM. Yes, 6:42 specifically. Fully ready. Hair, makeup, dressed professionally, and bring extra outfits just in case.

I showed up a little early in a dark green pantsuit with platform loafers, feeling like I had it together. Checked in, went to costumes with my backup clothes, and they approved what I was wearing. Then someone took my picture and came back asking if they could put my hair in a low ponytail.

I mean… they had already seen my bright hair in pictures, so I figured pulling it back was the least offensive option. Also, let’s be honest, I assumed I would just be a blur in the background anyway.

After that they sent us to breakfast. And when I say breakfast, I mean a whole production. Multiple tents, people cooking, burritos, hashbrowns, juice station, cereal bar, fruit, yogurt. I am not even a breakfast person but it was impressive. I grabbed some fruit, filled my Owala with water, and sat down.

They started calling groups, taking photos, and loading people into vans. Since they asked me to use my car, I got to wait. And wait. And wait.

We didn’t get moving until after 8. At one point I honestly thought they forgot about us. Eventually we followed a van with our flashers on to a building nearby and parked.

Then came the holding room. Three flights of stairs in the Tulsa County Public Defender’s Office. No elevator because it was too loud. Of course.

And then we sat.

And waited.

And waited some more.

People came and went but the three of us car people just sat there for hours. They eventually came in and gave us a lunch menu which honestly shocked me. I fully expected sad sandwiches and a bottle of water. Instead there was smoked sirloin, chicken options, fish, sides, and dessert. Not bad.

Lunch showed up around 3:00. At this point we had still done absolutely nothing but sit in metal folding chairs that were slowly destroying my will to live. But hey, we were getting paid.

We all chatted while eating and apparently a lot of these people do background acting regularly. Like… seriously regularly. Some of them drove over an hour to be there. They get about $88 for the day and an extra $20 if they use their car. So yeah, they are not doing it for the money.

Around 3:30 they finally called us down to film.

We were told not to talk at all. Not even whisper because the mics pick up everything. Three of us stood outside a building pretending to make lunch plans. One extra walked out, I made awkward small talk, and then wandered around pretending to be on my phone like I did not want to go back inside.

At some point Betty Gilpin walked by. I did not recognize her at the time but you could immediately tell she was not one of us. Just effortlessly gorgeous. Like obviously not effortless, but still. She stood out.

We filmed the same thing over and over for about an hour. Then switched it up so I walked out of the building on my phone. More takes. More walking. More pretending to exist.

They finally wrapped around 6.

It was a long day. I am not sure I would do it again, but I am glad I did it.

Now for the most important part.

As we were wrapping up, Ethan Hawke walks out and asks me if I know where they moved the soda.

And I said yes, they are in the cooler around the corner.

So anyway, we are engaged now. Thinking a small wedding in the spring.

---

They are still emailing about extra roles. One came through saying they needed people to play unhoused individuals. Naturally I immediately thought of Dennis and his current situation with the beard.

I told him and he said sign him up. So I sent his picture in. Honestly, with that wild beard and hair, I feel like his chances are pretty high. We will see.

---

Outside of my brief acting career, life has been pretty normal.

I went to the ballet with my older sister. It was Casanova, which made things interesting. They handed out masquerade masks and had photo booths set up. We have not gone in a long time and it was actually really nice. We grabbed drinks after and talked about my trip. She is still mad she did not come with me.

Health-wise, I have been dealing with numbness in my fingers and toes. Got bloodwork done and I am still low in some things, but not enough to explain it. I bumped up my B complex and iron and it has helped.

Doctor thinks it might be carpal tunnel and wants me to see a hand surgeon. I am not sold on that idea. It is improving and I really do not want to deal with appointments and time off work if I can avoid it.

Therapist also suggested I look into ARFID. There is a nutritionist nearby who specializes in it, but of course there is a waitlist. I am on it now, so we will see how long that takes.

---

Work is… a lot.

I am not loving it right now, so I try not to think about it too much. Recreation season is coming up which means the rangers will be on swing shift, so things should slow down a little until after Labor Day.

That said, we are short staffed, not allowed to hire summer rangers, and not allowed to close parks.

So… not entirely sure what the plan is there.

---

This weekend is looking better though.

I am getting my hair and nails done. My nail tech randomly moved into the suite across from the girl that does my hair. It was totally random but it’s a small world. That should work out great for me.

Sunday I am doing brunch with one of my sisters and my mom. It is one of those classic mom invites where it is technically optional but also absolutely not optional. A little guilt, a little obligation, but it should still be nice once we are all there.

We also bought a new grill that has a griddle and a pizza oven. I am very excited about the pizza oven even though I am absolutely not the type to make dough from scratch.

I will be consulting my local pizza expert for some kind of kit situation. This could either go really well or be a complete disaster.

Either way, content.