Truman

I am so stressed out that I am afraid I am going to make myself sick.

The most important one, Truman.  He is doing ok.  I had a strange dream that I had taken him to work with me.  We had to climb a staircase to get to the office and as we reached the top he fell through a gap in the hand rail and hit pavement.  There was more office stuff to the dream but the part about Tman was so vivid.  I had planned on WFH that day and thought some about going at lunch to get a pedicure but something just felt off so I sent her a text about 8:30 and told her that it wasn't going to work out.   My mom called shortly after to see if I could take her to the doctor at 10:45.  I told her that I honestly couldn't, I had too much going on at work and couldn't take off this time.  Of course my sister's are completely worthless.  While I was on the phone with her Truman kind of jumped up and started seizing.  He has never had a seizure before and I was 100% sure he was dying.  I started to scream his name and just dropped the phone.  She tried to call me back but I never heard the phone.  I kind of moved him off his dog bed because I thought I was going to have to do cpr.  I finally remembered my mom but she had hung up, probably calling 911, lol.  I grabbed my pj pants and called Dennis.  T was still seizing.  I told him that I was sure he was gone and I needed him to come home.  About that time my little man defecated and in my experience that means they are dead.  I guess I told Dennis he was gone.  He was foaming at the mouth and just thinking about it makes me cry.  Anyway he finally stopped and I told Dennis to meet me at the vet.  I wrapped him in a towel and left in my pj pants and ugg slippers.  My friend Brook is on my speed dial list so I called her and after saying oh fuck 700 times I was finally able to tell her what was going on and asked her to call my office and let AP know what was going on.  I was shaking too bad to find her in my contacts.  When we got to the vet I ran in and said I need help, he had a massive seizure.  They rushed him to the back.  Dennis got there before the vet brought him back in.  When they brought him back in he was doing the typical post trauma behavior until I sat on the ground and put him in my lap and he laid down and went to sleep.  They gave him a strong sedative and prescribed him medication that has to be given every 8 hours, like set your alarm and give him meds, not just 3 times a day.  The bad news is that the most common cause of seizure at his age is a brain tumor.  They said they could do a ct scan but the treatment would be the same.

I got to bring him home, which I really thought I wouldn't be doing.  He was knocked out due to the overall exhaustion and the sedative.  I put him in my lap and I worked in my recliner.  He slept there most of the day.  About 4 I put him on the ground to let Bai out and he followed him outside.  He was a bit wobbly but he did his business and came back in and got in his bed.  I swear I am having ptsd flashbacks.  I really want to cancel my deployment but that train has pretty much left the track.  I would just take him but since I am working 6 am to 6 pm that is not optimal either.  Dennis isn't working and he will be fine with him but it isn't the same.  Plus I wouldn't be able to give him meds every 8 hours.  He ate is dinner last night and took his meds both last night and this morning.  

Added stress...

My mom is needing help getting to doctor's appointments.  My sisters are worthless as shit and won't help.  Dennis stepped up and is taking her to get an injection in her back next week.  That will interfere with T-man getting his meds on time.  I feel like we are early enough in the treatment to play with the times a little.  The vet said if he doesn't get them every 8 hours he may have break through seizures. Thankfully my cousin will be here 13 December and can help with that while she is here.  

Dennis is at his limit for his family.  I have been there for years but he had to get there on his own.  His sister sent him a message out of the blue that she found out their mom had told him that no one had checked on her after the father's day storm that destroyed the fences at both of our houses and my roof. She said that she had tried to come by and check and had called and she pulled her phone records to prove it.  I told him she is feeling guilty and just let it go.  Dennis pretty much ignored my house because I was able to get things started at my house to get his mom's started.  None of his family came over or offered to help, they expected Dennis to do it all.  The two of us put up her temp fence and his brother who had just happened to be in town helped him with doing some of the tree stuff that I couldn't help with.  One of is sisters had the nerve to send him a message telling him that it isn't fair for his brother to be expected to help do stuff at their mom's house when he is in town.  Fuck that.  It isn't fair that they just leave it all to Dennis!  As a matter of fact one of the grandkids had borrowed FIL's chainsaw and didn't return it so Dennis just bought a new one for there.  I am over it.  He has no plans to go over there at all during the holiday.  We go out with my family and he normally skips it because he doesn't want to have to pay $40 for dinner when he is going to eat again.  I get it.  This year he is going with.  

OK, I feel a little better getting that out.  I feel like I am being pulled a thousand different directions.  

Tonight me and HMF moved our Beetlejuice tickets to tonight (which was oddly in the dream I mentioned above).  I am not nearly as excited for it as I was but maybe that will change once I get there.  I am no longer going to wear my fun goth dress, I am wearing jeans and a sweater.  

Food yesterday wasn't good in the too stressed to eat respect.  I didn't eat until  I went to get Truman's medication ($300) I went and got a juicy burger and when I started eating it all the hunger came back.  I almost inhaled it.  When I weighed this morning I was 89 pounds.  I swear I am eating, I am.  When I get back from Hawaii I will start the investigation in to what the hell is going on.  Maybe a change of scenery will help me?  I have no idea why my body is so fucked up right now.